Shivers 13: The Spider Kingdom

Special Edition: Biblical Passage Format

When M.D. Spenser created the Shivers universe, He first said, "Let there be a repetitive introduction and setting for every novel I create to reduce the burden of originality." And then there was a repetitive introduction and setting. M.D. Spenser was pleased, and upon looking out at His many similar landscapes, He said, "Let there be main characters with few discernible differences, and side-characters with personalities so set in stone that there need not be a burden of character development." And then there was everything previously written.

M.D. Spenser then peered out at the world and life He had created and said, "now let there be no suspense or frightening twists at the ends of stories to scare readers, else I fulfill my duties as a horror writer. And let all ghosts created be harmless and lame, and let all books on bullied children be mercilessly boring." And it was so. And hence, the Shivers universe was created. But alas, with a god comes a demon, and from the vilest pits of hell and criticism crawled an impure, heartless being, one with brown hair and a computer, and he was to be called Jonathan Golden, and this Jonathan Golden wove a tongue of harsh brutality against the good M.D. Spenser, and this Jonathan Golden was attractive, intelligent, notoriously good with the ladies, and currently single. The two forces battled for all eternity, each claiming its own occupants off the qualities of the deceased.

It was on this fateful day that Freddy, protagonist of The Spider Kingdom, wandered into the fiery pits of hell, this day four weeks after M.D. Spenser's books decided to discontinue their opening patterns. And Freddy walked into the room, and noticed the devil himself, Jonathan Golden, on his flaming throne. Freddy said, "Hey dude, what gives, why am I in hell?" and the evil and vile-hearted Jonathan Golden replied, "Don't take it personally. Honestly, pretty much every character ends up here." This statement mystified Freddy, and he said, "Why, though? What did I do?"

"Well, the thing is that your afterlife placement is based more on character quality than actual morals. The only people in Heaven with Mr. Spenser are Lynne, David, Winston, and that Australian guy from A Ghastly Shade of Green. I'm pretty sure that David is just there as a joke, and I know that Winston is there just to annoy me. I hate that kid."

"But how come I can't remember anything that happened to me before I got here?"

"Jet lag, but I guess I'll explain because I know how much it sucks to be immersed in something and have it not explained to you at all, ruining the value, a position I know M.D. Spenser is familiar with too. So, here's the story:"

Freddy and Lumpy are best friends. Their hobbies include bullying children smaller than they are, Freddy watching Lumpy slowly kill bugs, and drinking Cokes and playing poker for pennies in their treehouse. Product placement much, M.D. Spenser? Thankfully, we are taken away to something more interesting than reading about poker, namely anything, to show us a prank being played on Freddy. Lumpy says that he has a present for Freddy, a spider, which he fears. He dumps the present down Freddy's shirt, saying it's a black widow, and Freddy believes him, mainly because he's a complete moron.

After freeing the fake spider from under his shirt and being called such names as "pansy" and "sissy", Freddy decides to help Lumpy pick on Tommy Malloy, the local dweeb. Not that he actually did anything wrong, they just thought it would be fun. So they throw his books in the forest and punch him in the stomach before running away. At this point, it's not even funny anymore, it's just kind of cruel, especially since they threw firecrackers at him in the beginning of the book. I guess we see Lumpy's reasoning when his mom whips him with a belt for it afterwards. Nice hinting, M.D. Spenser.

Anyway, the two bullies go back to the treehouse to reminisce about how fun that bully sesh was. Then, all of a sudden, the treehouse collapses and they both make it down safely, with Freddy grabbing a branch and Lumpy landing on a different branch that somehow didn't break under two hundred pounds of pure, grade-A dumb-ass.

After they go their separate ways, Freddy arrives home to discover that a chore awaits. He was supposed to hose his porch rafters to get rid of "some type of bug up there." I know, it's really suspenseful, but it turns out that it was actually spiders awaiting him in the rafters.

Instead of washing away the spiders like someone who isn't a psychopath, Freddy goes in and sprays insecticide all over his porch. After drinking a stunningly delicious and far superior Coca Cola, Freddy is ambushed by a five-foot-tall spider in his living room. Like he freaking pays rent. The nerve. But then, Freddy is assaulted and about to be chomped on when he decides to make a plea for education, which he desperately needs because he says, "You can't be real! Spiders don't have teeth or tongues like yours! I remember that from my science class." Well, usually you get something like that from common sense, which Freddy and appropriately named Lumpy are seriously lacking. The spider agrees to show him some spider stuff. Honestly, I would love an assassin like that. Or a bank robber. He seems like the kind of guy who would let you watch movies while he barters with the police.

From the heavens descended the lord M.D. Spenser upon a carriage made of gold and holy holiness, pulled by flying cars filled with unhappy families uprooted from their big city environment with irritating relatives, and ghosts which should be frightening but aren't, and undeniably bland and unoriginal story-lines, and He did say, "Foolish mortals, Thou doesn't know the value of a truly great story."

To this comment Jonathan did reply, "Great, this guy again."

Freddy seized his chance and pleaded, "Can I please be in a different book? Any other book? I wanna mess around and prank people with David. What a great guy."

To this M.D. Spenser took offense, and did say, "No. I like my books. The covers look pretty and they all have a plot from my favorite episodes of various shows and movies." And with those parting words He did leave, with a trail of unanswered questions to needlessly confusing endings behind Him.

On the way to the Spider Kingdom, Freddy is yelling for help, but I guess his neighbors are too busy or just don't care. I mean, if I saw a kid getting dragged down the street by a giant spider, I would probably think I injected one too many marijuanas. Also, the fact that all spiders speak English is a little strange. They've been here a little while longer than we have. One of them even has a southern accent. At this point, I'm pretty sure that M.D. Spenser lets his five-year-old fans make the story outlines for him. "I want a story about bullies who are eaten by giant talking spiders!" or "I think we should have a story about trees in a swamp that try to kill people and that people should recycle." This is later proven when Freddy is thrown in a web with Lumpy and forced to hold trial before the "Spider King."

Freddy nervously rocked back and forth. And he did say, "So I did all that? I was kind of a douche-bag. And so was Lumpy. Were we really that stupid?"

The devil Jonathan did reply, "Yes."

I believe it is worth mentioning that during this time, there are several spider-related puns intended as insults for the protagonists, such as, "Are you two still hanging around?" and my favorite, "What are you kids doing there — surfing the web?" I'll take that as my cue. So Freddy and Lumpy are tangled up in the repercussions of being assholes, and are escorted to the Spider King. He is, because M.D. Spenser knows nothing of spiders, a giant tarantula. After Lumpy tries to sell out Freddy and Freddy makes a heartfelt speech apologizing for the murder of countless spiders, they are sentenced to death because they're both very dense. I mean, every Shivers character is vacuous, but these guys might just top everybody. The wolf spider executioners storm in, and because M.D. Spenser doesn't know what wolf spiders look like because his only research consisted of looking up big words in the thesaurus, the audience is left description-less.

Suddenly, Freddy thinks of an idea. Instead of facing judgement for being caught up in a web of their own lies, they just run out the door, counting on the big spiders being as afraid of humans as the little spiders. I'm not joking. It makes your skin crawl with idiocy. This whole book. I don't know what Paradise Press was thinking when they allowed this, maybe, "Well, since this whole book is improbable and vapid, including the obstacles, maybe the solution should be, too." After that, the tag team runs off, and Freddy has to leave an injured Lumpy in a hiding hole. I don't understand why, because if there's a worse human being than Freddy in the Shivers universe, it's Lumpy. Regardless, Freddy tries to pull Lumpy up the tunnel with a rope, but can't carry his weight.

Just then, Tommy Malloy walks by and agrees to help, because even the nerds are unintelligent. Or at least shortsighted. After Lumpy is saved, the gang splits and Lumpy returns home and sits down to drink some delicious Coke when all of a sudden...

And in the Second Worst Twist in the Whole Series:
It was all a dream during the spider program on The Nature Channel. They all lived happily ever after even though I hope everyone but Tommy Malloy really will get eaten by spiders.

After hearing this dreadful tale, Freddy thought long and hard and decided upon saying, "Yeah, you can eternally torment me now. I hate my life."

"Perfect. I have a room full of spiders and everything."

"I honestly don't care anymore. As long as Lumpy suffers, I'm fine with whatever."

"Yeah. He's getting eternally tutored by Tommy while his mom sits at the table with him."

"Sweet."

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:
(When discovering the spiders in the rafters) "It was Freddy against The Great Spider Invasion!"

Beautiful Imagery:
"He doubled over in a gaff of guffaws."

Hip References:
Coca Cola, the most amazing soft drink known to man, according to M.D. Spenser.

Conclusion: The latest in a long streak of terrible books. I will admit I was reasonably thrilled during some scenes, so I'd say this is easily the best of a bad bunch. I can't help but say that this whole novel had a sort of "because whynot?" feel to it, though. I'm excited for the next book. I think M.D. Spenser might be making a recovery.

Shivers 12: The Secret of Fern Island

Believe it or not, this book was actually really good. Well, certain aspects. It was not bad for a Shivers book, but the characters were idiots, the ending was too confusing to be any good, and there were no explanations. Pretty good, though.

After reading it, I decided to search the ending online. I found many people commenting on how amazing it was, and how it was just as good as they remember it to be. Seriously, they totally loved it. One person even said, "best book ever." I liked the book, but Jesus, that's a little much. Honestly, I just think that seeing one diehard Shivers fan made everybody else's inner diehard fan come out, trying to win approval by expressing how much they loved a book that is meant for children half their ages. But as a wise man once said, "If you put fifty children with Down's Syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging."

Our protagonist, Stephanie, and her purely platonic best friend, Kenny, are natural-born adventurers. I don't see it, but whatever. Anyway, Kenny wants to cross a forbidden bridge, a rickety old bridge that leads straight to Fern Island. Also, Fern Island was closed off to the public for some reason. Kenny wants to go meet a boy who fishes all day every day, carryin' around his little lantern and fishin' hat and fishin' pole. What a tool. In the end, the duo decides to head on back home and return tomorrow.

O.K, let's analyze. This book starts one day before the adventure does. They actually start to go to Fern Island on page 11. Also, there are no character descriptions, except for them being eleven. So far, so M.D. Spencer. All right, let's backtrack five pages.

Stephanie says that she is babysitting for her younger sister, Becky, and her friend, Brooksie. Freaking Betsy and Brooksie? Betsy is a nine-year-old who just loves mysteries and adventure. Brooksie, who has an uncreative character to match her uncreative name, is a nine-year-old goody-two-shoes. Josh Jennings would be having a field day. The four of them make it over to the bridge, and we get a sense for Brooksie's personality when she says, "'Ooooh, you shouldn't say darn,'" in response to Kenny saying the word "gosh-darned." You finally did it, M.D. Spencer. You finally destroyed my tolerance for idiocy. I was hoping we could be civil during all of this, but if it's war, it's war. You're on, my friend. Also, I can think of hundreds of things more fun than sneaking onto a big deserted island hunting some weird little kid, first of which is making the list. Kids these days, I swear.

So that gosh-darned little boy just got up and right gosh ran right up into the woods, gosh-darn it. The four musketeers lost the little munchkin, but don't worry, because his lantern light led them right to him. They climb up the lighthouse, expecting to find a homeless kid's den or pirate hideout or some man's hidden porn stash or something. The top room is dark, sticky, and reeks of desperation, so it really could be either one.

The party of four decide to split up when Kenny goes back downstairs and the rest cower in fear at the top. Unfortunately, the spectral presence decides to work its way down from the ceiling. An old phonograph starts saying, "SWIM...YOU...CAN?" over and over. They can't figure out what it means. For the longest time, they just can not  decode it. This is my idea of their decoding process:

1. listen to code
2. Think about what code means if said forward

If you took a dog's brain and put it in a monkey's head, that monkey would be smarter than the four of them combined. It would also be dead. Meanwhile, Kenny had his own adventures for the reader not to care about. Basically, he ran into a swarm of bats. Then he ran away from the swarm of bats, which was hard because usually he has Stephanie to work out which way is "up" on stairs. After much hugging and rejoicing, the team decides that to split up again after the little boy appears and disappears in the window of the top story of a lighthouse and the phonograph starts saying, "DOWN FALLING IS BRIDGE ISLAND FERN" is a good idea. If you can't sense the ending, I'll just give it to you: it turns out that they actually died and are now ghosts. But seriously, I actually threw this book across the room after they still couldn't decode this one.

The group that wasn't dropped on their heads enough not to go downstairs again, namely everyone but Kenny, finds an old newspaper. The letters are in English, but the words make no sense. The secret? The gosh-darn words are backwards.

Once, when I was a kid and I was angry, I punched a wall as hard as I could with one of those fingerless gloves. It hurt, but not as much as this book did. After the group of three finally find the kid, he is actually a ghost! Kenny rejoins them and they run back upstairs to hide, and a new message comes on the phonograph: "FISHERMAN A NOT IS HE." They actually figure it out this time. Well, Brooksie  does, anyway.
"'It's talking about a fisherman and that boy is always fishing,' she said slowly. 'I think there's a connection."

Well, whoop-dee-fucking-doo, Brooksie. You are a regular- I'm just gonna say it- gosh-darned Sherlock Holmes. Everybody in this book is horrible and so is the plot and the ending and everything is just terrible. They decide to look in the newspaper now that they know its secret. The story is about a boy who died fishing. And apparently a whole island-based city was shut down because of it. At this point, the whole group is freaking out. Stephanie is trying to remember what words suggest leaving an area, Kenny is trying to figure out which way is out of the lighthouse, Becky is trying to figure out what the story of a boy fisherman could have to do with a mysterious boy fisherman, and Brooksie is conflicted because she was always told not to run inside.

It actually takes them ten pages to make the connection between the boy and the fisherman, and after the phonograph tells them that the lantern on the table must burn, they blow it out because whynot? and run outside. Also, whynot? is a new word that I made so I don't need spaces anymore when I say "because why not?" They hear a scream, much like the scream I let out when I saw the reviews for this book, and bike away.

I swear that if stupidity was contagious, I would have caught it just by looking at the cover of this book. After pages of biking and hearing voices, they finally reach the bridge, where they cross without incident. The group is walking down the block, out of harms way when all of a sudden...

Then, in the Twist too Confusing to be Good:
The boy shows up and asks them in a deep voice if they can swim, with his lantern lit up in his hand.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:
Upon hearing the phonograph: "'What does that mean?' Betsy asked again.
Warily, the girls approached the ancient record player.
'Maybe it doesn't mean anything,' Stephanie said." It was literally saying, "SWIM YOU CAN." To be fair, I suppose the code is easier to the ghost boy because it is meant for people as least as intelligent as a six-year-old.

Beautiful Imagery:
"Stephanie got up and walked toward the phonograph. She watched it spin in silence. Then it gurgled and began speaking again."

Hip References:
All I have are phonographs and lighthouses.

Conclusion:
At first I thought the book was good, but then I wrote a synopsis and it turns out it sucks hard. The writing and voice were good, but everything else was terrible. And what was up with the ending? How did he not disappear when the lantern went out, is he a threat if he's not corporeal, what did the messages mean? This is as confusing as Inception, but without the redeeming value.

Shivers 11: Guess Who's Coming For Dinner

If I had to guess, I would say that little boy that starred in the Home Alone movies. Macaulay Culkin. Anyway, despite the undeniable creepiness of this novel's cover, it's actually not that at all scary. Still, there is some weird goodness that is kind of hard to explain, so I shan't. 

Josh Jennings is a jock who is also totally smart! Wow, oxymoron much, M.D. Spenser? Josh is the school soccer star, which would make him totally popular in pretty much any country that's not the United States and apparently the United States too. Josh introduces us to this awkward kid named Michael Sturdevant. He's the school soccer chump, as well as being smart, shy, and overall weird.

The two hit it off when Josh catches Michael playing chess alone. Well, still better than World of Warcraft. Josh reveals that he likes chess, and even wants to buy a chess instructional CD-ROM for his birthday, as well as a new calculator, a notepad, and a life. I mean, chess is fun and all, but he actually says that he mastered a bunch of opening strategies from a guidebook. This is right on the border between sad and obsessive. Josh sits down with Michael and finds out that he's not that strange of a guy, since it would be difficult to make characters with different basic personalities.

Michael says that he sometimes plays with his little sister, Gladys, who is supposedly smart and evil. Josh also has a little sister, Megan, who is the younger sibling from all the other books with younger siblings, except even worse. Later, Josh is at his locker with his BFF's, Chet and Danny. They're like the three musketeers, if the three musketeers were complete tools. Also, how could M.D. Spenser make a new Danny if the old one was irreplaceable? I just included this part because Josh says that his locker-hidden treasures are his cleats and his Thomas Jefferson Middle School jersey. Because every kid's most prized possession is their middle school jersey.

Michael continually creams Josh at chess, and Josh also starts to get smarter. He even shows his math test to his parents, he's so proud. And then, the worst thing happens: Megan enters the picture. She is the brattiest human being I have ever read about. You know why? Because I can relate. That's right. When Josh shows off, she says, "Well, I got an A, not an A minus, in spelling. Does anybody care?" M.D. Spenser hits it spot on. That is literally my sister when she was very young, and it annoyed the crap out of me then and now. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to create a passage describing my reaction to this dialogue, in standard Shivers format:

 As my eyes fell upon the writing piece of Megan's cries for attention, my eyes grew as wide as giant teacups, the kind used to hold giant tea. My hands balled up into a fist like I was squeezing an invisible balloon that didn't pop or have any mass. My mouth dropped open like someone had pressed a button bought from a store that sold buttons to open my mouth. But soon, I won't even react to this Shivers book anymore.
Because I'll be done with this post.

I don't wanna toot my own horn here, but I personally think I hit the nail on the head. Anyway, the siblings discuss how weird the Sturdevant siblings are while eating dinner. A girl named Bessie Butler was friends with Gladys, but Bessie mysteriously disappeared. With a name like Bessie Butler, she probably got herself a nice farm in the countryside or ran off to become a country singer.

The next day, Josh is super excited to play chess. His new dream is to have his sister's friend, Heidi, who always sasses and outsmarts him, to admit that he was better than her and that she was just jealous of his brains. The fact that he has these kinds of fantasies about his nine-year-old sister's nine-year-old friend is a little strange to say the least. But then the unthinkable happens. Two worlds collide when Chet and Danny meet Michael, and Gladys meets all of them. Gladys is a little chubby girl in pigtails about Megan's age that I imagine Josh immediately falls in love with. She screams at Michael for eating a cupcake, then runs off, like she's a member of the goddamn cupcake police.

Michael goes to Josh's house after school for pizza, and Josh keeps them occupied by turning on the tennis finals because "it's better than nothing." That's actually a pretty good remark, but it was incorrect. Swing and a miss, M.D. Spenser. Michael leans in to tell Josh something really important, that his family's meals are unconventional to say the least, but his mom bursts in before too much can be said. At school, Michael needs Josh to keep their teacher, Wicked Ms. Warner, away from his house so that his family can't eat her. If you realized they were cannibals before, then congratulations, you can read. Josh agrees.

Chet, Danny, and Josh sneak up to Ms. Warner's window to have Gladys's boot thrown through it at them. They dodge, and Warner pretends it never happened, even though windows are scarce in today's economy. The three of them try to ask Warner for help, but she is dragged away by the whole family, who drives her away in their black van. That night, Josh's mom asks Josh to stay at Michael's house while she goes away on business. If I had children, I think I would also choose the notoriously strange family with the mysterious past to have my children overnight, because they either do something weird and you get to sue them or you get free babysitting out of it. It's a win-win.

The next day, Michael asks Josh to help rescue Ms. Warner, who is alive but locked up. As they prepare to go to Michael's house, Megan and Heidi reveal that they have to go too. The foursome get to the ominous, foreboding house that they really don't have to go to but they do anyway because why not?, and the two girls go missing. As they search the house, Josh sees posters of the kids that disappeared, including Bessie. With her potential for becoming a country singer, maybe it was a mercy to the rest of the world. In the kitchen, he sees his own photo that was taken when he knew Michael and before he met the rest of the Brady Bunch.

He runs outside to a stone cottage and finds Heidi hiding there. He runs down the stairs to find Michael freeing Wicked Warner from a cage with Megan, and the five of them start to run when Gladys's boot hits Josh's head and he blacks out and...

In a Twist Ending that I Really Just do not Know how to Explain...
Josh wakes up and they walk away from the house. They had trapped Gladys in the cage, and Heidi admitted that she was always jealous of Josh's chess skills so this is either a touching moment or a wet dream. But then, the mom calls out that it's time for dinner. So, I guess, Michael got them all together so they could be eaten or something. I don't know.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Character:
"Now he had a new fantasy: Heidi would admit that she always thought Josh was brilliant, and that she'd acted like a ninny because she was jealous. All she had ever really wanted in this world was to learn chess from the great grand master, Joshua Jennings, who could wallop even the most intelligent computer in the world..." Pretty weird.

Beautiful Imagery:
"They were like dog-kicking boots, or boots some jail warden might wear to keep her inmates in line." And I thought I was the only one that had special boots just for dog-kicking.

Hip References:
"Since when do I have to fax you guys my schedule every day?"
I've compiled a list of devices more topical than fax machines: texts, voicemail, email, mail, carrier pigeon, horseback messenger, messages given by morse code using vocal sounds or a flashlight, hieroglyphs.

Conclusion: Weirdest one yet, because I really don't know if I like it. I mean, It's obviously not one of the best so far, but it doesn't seem bad, and I really just can't tell because the ending is a let-down, and the characters are eh but the plot is not bad and I'll just say:
It's O.K.