Shivers 19: The Thing in Room 601

Special Edition: Paradise Press Employee Format

The following document outlines a day in the life of Paradise Press employee Sharon Dinkley, submitted as an assignment intended to evaluate the productivity of the average worker.

8:00- Arrived at work, snazzy as always and ready to start my day with a smile.

8:10- Checked my desk for assignments, or possible books to publish. There are none. Remaining hopeful, as always.

8:12- Began searching "Paradise Press" on Google. It is the second option after I typed "Paradise Pre" in the search bar. We're moving up!

8:15- Began playing Angry Birds: Go on my phone. Just beat the third world. Decided to celebrate with coworkers. Sent email invitation.

8:16- All coworkers responded. None of them are busy. We decided to get together and play Chutes and Ladders in the kitchen.

9:00- Game was interrupted when Jonathan accidentally smashed a bee. We decided that a proper burial was in order, as we had spent hours in previous days watching the bee in our office. It had joined our family. We decided that hosting a funeral for William Doober Burtinsfield was the least we could do.

11:00- Just finished burial in front of building. A few of us cried. I was one of them. We made the coffin out of paper since we had no wood and the employee at the carpenter store is gross and wears an eyepatch. Also I don't know how to carpenter things.

11:15- Tried to return to work, could not stop thinking of William Doober Burtinsfield. All the other employees feel the same way. Made a group decision to leave work early and emotionally recover. Also there is no work.

11:17- Was about to leave when I received an email from M.D. Spenser. Jonathan and I decided to stay and review the newest book. I'm excited, since it was our first assignment in seven weeks, when we published Your Momma's a Werewolf.

The book starts out with a super cool protagonist, Liam, even better than the usual hilarious pessimists thrown our way. This one has an irritating older sister, Diane. Ay Carumba, am I right? Who among us can't relate to that one? So this lovable duo is traveling to California for a wedding with their mom, when they will travel from their hotel in Santa Barbara to a town whose name is "something Spanish."

11:30- I looked at Google Earth, and that ended up narrowing it down to only one hundred percent of towns and cities in California. Have decided to go back to work. The lack of effort would be a bit irritating, if not for the twelve-year-old voice that is used in the writing. I love The Voice. I think I could be one of those singers, since I was in an A Cappella group during college. We were called "Here Comes Treble." I also appreciate the constant cliffhangers after every chapter. M.D. Spenser is truly a master of literary devices.

11:35- Jonathan just said that the overuse of cliffhangers in ninety percent of M.D. Spenser's books should be under the 8th Amendment as "cruel and unusual punishment." I do not appreciate his snark, and I'm sure Mr. Spenser does not either.

Anyway, their mom gets a call from her best friend who just moved, saying that she fell off of a ladder and would like their mom to fly out to New York in order to help her through this difficult time of having fallen off a ladder. The mom is forced to choose between family and friend, ultimately choosing friend. Luckily, I don't have to make those kinds of choices, since those terms are synonymous for me. The mom decides to leave the twelve-year-olds for two days, as well as downgrading them to a free room that is normally used for storage. Really.

11:45- Jonathan commented that the parenting was subpar. I told him that I was trying to read. He used profane language on me.

Later, the kids go to their room, only to find that it is messy and disgusting. They are visited by a creepy, super-old maid that gives them their suitcases. After, they end up finding a skull in one of the storage containers, which I admit gave me the heeby-jeebies, but it was just a sugar skull. Why, of course! Diane reveals that they are for "El Día de Los Muertos," which means "Day of the Dead" for all those non-Spanish speakers. I learned a little Spanish in high school. It's my third language, after English and Morse.

11:55- Halfway through book, so far no excitement. I just know it's gonna pick up soon! My hopes are still pretty high, I can't wait to get scared!

Well, the team decides to go to the beach, but Liam goes back to open a window. In the room, he sees a little boy and girl, who disappear. Yikes!! Liam runs away and the two go to the pier, where they hang for a little while. Eventually, they have to go back. The lady at the desk has no idea how their bags got up there, and she claims she will send someone to clean their room. But when they get up there.... It's already clean! Ahhhhhh! Geez, how creepy would it be if you went to your bedroom and it was sparkly clean. In truth, not very, but I'm sure this will get better.

12:15- Jonathan said, "What the hell is going on here? The only ghost is a maid who goes around carrying their luggage and cleaning their room? Spenser has hit a new low with ghost stories, and it is truly a feat worthy of recognition for M.D. Spenser to sink even lower with ghost stories. We are 95 pages in. There are 124 pages in the book. This sucks, and also is kinda racist because of the fact that the ghost maid is Mexican.

I said, "Well, excuse me if you aren't scared, but I am, so I would appreciate it if you would please be quiet and allow me to read in peace."
"Hey, are you feeling alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Just trying to read."
"Do you have a headache?"
"Just a slight migraine."
"What's causing it."
"Nothing."
"Is it..."
"It's nothing."
"Is it the book?"
"It could be a lot of things."
"Just stop reading."
"No. I'm fine."

12:25- Diane saw the ghost kids in her room. Scary. They weren't doing anything, though. I will admit, this book is not the best book ever written by Mr. Spenser, but it's not bad. It's not bad. Then, the two kids hear a knock on the door, and it's the bellboy. A little late with the cleaning, so he tells them the story of their room. There was a Mexican maid who went crazy and murdered her children in that very room, and her ghost ages, which explains the oldness. That's... creepy, I guess.

12:35- Jonathan coughed, so I told him to shut up. He told me he knew a cure for headaches. I asked what. He said bullets work the best. I ignored him.

After the bellboy left, they hear another knock. It's the maid, carrying a knife! She tries to murder them both, but Liam tricked her into thinking that two sugar skulls were her children's heads. I can't tell if she's an idiot or just a terrible parent.

12: 38- I apologize out loud for saying the word "idiot" in my head. Jonathan tells me to jump off a bridge. I ignore him.

The kids trick the maid into going into the conjoined room, and lock her in there. Just when they think they're safe, they hear another knock on the door, but it's their mother. She never went on the plane because she didn't feel like it, so she's back and they go to a different hotel.

So, this is pretty bad. I... I just want another job. This is a painful lifestyle. I can't wait until the next Shivers book.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:
"'But they have lots of little sugar skulls they eat. It's a very old custom.'
'A very odd custom, you mean.'" Burn.

Beautiful Imagery:
"We found ourselves in a long, straight hallway. It was the longest and straightest hallway I'd seen in that hotel."

Hip References:
There was a movie reference in there, but I couldn't find it after looking for 20 minutes so I'm afraid there is none this time.

Did... Uh... Did You Even Go to School?:
"They have them for the Day of the Dead. That's what they call Halloween in Mexico."

Conclusion:
It was excruciating. There was no story; the maid, the only real threat or source of fear, came in at page 111. Out of 124. I don't know how Spenser managed to fill so many pages with such little material and a lack of detail, but he did. The antagonist is a certifiable maid who cleans your room for you. There is very little fear or suspense, and I would certainly put up with ghost children to have my room cleaned every day. The voice was not bad, actually a little funny at times, but the cliffhangers killed it. Again.

Shivers 18: Your Momma's a Werewolf

So when I saw the title of this book, my first thought was, "Wow, this is going to be really bad." And then I read the first few pages and I'm like, "Wow, this is really bad." The twist: It's actually pretty good. For a Shivers book, this is not bad. I mean, there are some annoying elements to it, but it's a welcome change from the recent crap I've created a synopsis for. On the other hand, when the most recent books were about an evil wave monster and a know-it-all freeing a family of killers, there's nowhere to go but up. Well, let's dive in.

The main character is named Ignatius J. Rockwell. I'll say that again. The main character is named Ignatius J. Rockwell. But his friends call him Iggy. When his friends want to annoy him, they call him Ignatius J. When his friends want to annoy him, they call him:
Ignatius J.
This is all from the book. I'm completely serious. Then he goes on about how funky his name is and how cool and athletic he is.

Seems pretty bad, right? Well, his mom was in a punk rock band called "We Hate You." It's just too good to be true. I must have died and gone to heaven. "'But we didn't really hate people,' my mom insists whenever I ask her about it. 'We just pretended we did. To shock the audience.'" What audience? I actually can't believe it, it's the perfect mix of creative and stunningly unoriginal. So they live in Detriot, and Ignatius J. spends some time explaining Michigan's geography to explain where "up north" is. Oh, and they're camping up north.

Also in this stunningly fascinating rogues' gallery is Ignatius J.'s friend, John, nicknamed "Mole." He's a little nearsighted dork who loves history. He goes on over to Ignatius J.'s house in the beginning to show him a book about Fort Deckerdale, near where the group is staying. It says that all the soldiers at the fort mysteriously disappeared. Well, we know it wasn't ghosts, since M.D. Spenser's idea of ghostly behavior is turning up the thermostat.

The three arrive at the house only to discover that there is no TV, phone, and the only toilet is an outhouse. After getting over the shock of no NBA, History Channel, or punk rock music videos, whatever TV channel provides that, Mole sees a deer out in the woods disappear, grabbed and swept away in the blink of an eye. The next day, Ignatius J.'s mom pulls out a fake deer that people put out for target practice, so even the smart one in the group is an idiot. Ignatius J. and Mole decide to go search for Fort Deckerdale, but are stopped by a wolf. We can tell that it's big because of Ignatius J.'s statement, "This was the biggest, meanest wolf I'd ever seen." Even bigger than the ones in Detroit?

Well, anyway, the wolf jumps on Ignatius J. before his mom comes and tackles it, getting bitten in the process. Mole is actually the one to shoot the wolf. Mole. The wolf runs away because nobody in these books seems to die. Later, the gang goes to the town and buys some marshmallows, where a cashier tells them that it may have been a wolf that killed everybody in Fort Deckerdale. Shocker.

When they get back in the house, Mole and Ignatius J. play frisbee, as if people still did that, and stumble onto a lost dog, which Ignatius J. originally mistakes for a wolf during a chapter ending. When going to ask his mother if they can keep it, Ignatius J. stumbles upon her shaving her face, which shows how much M.D. Spenser knows about the menstrual cycle. But then, in this really cool scene, Ignatius J. wakes up that night to realize that it's a full moon. He wakes up Mole and they hear the wolf howling from downstairs. He shoves his friend out the window, partly to save him and partly because he's really annoying, and the wolf bursts in on hind legs in his mother's clothing, standing over him and...

It's a goddam dream sequence. It. Is. A. Dream sequence. BUT BECAUSE WHYNOT, RIGHT? Now I remember why I thought, "Wow, did Vlad the Impaler write this book?" while reading it. Seriously, it's not a bad book, but the dream sequence being the best part just hurts me. Like being impaled with a giant stake. And the next part isn't even cool, it's just the mom eating raw bacon for breakfast. You have done a lot of crappy dream sequence chapters in the past, but you really screwed us this time, M.D. Spenser. That reminds me, happy Valentine's Day, readers. I hope you got shot with Cupid's arrow instead of M.D. Spenser's misleading bullet of crap crappiness.

Ignatius J. tells Mole about his suspicions, and Mole checks his mini-encyclopedia to make sure it's not rabies. I'm being serious. You know what other media characters carry around mini-encyclopedias? M.D. Spenser, probably. Do you really want to be that kind of guy, Mole? Later, when the group goes for a picnic, Mom says that they should really fatten Mole up. To be honest, I really wouldn't care if Mole died. So... yeah. Anyway, that night, John and Ignatius J. see Mom turn into a wolf and run out of the house. Then they fall asleep. I'm done, I really am. There is just too much wrong with this.

In the morning, Ignatius J. thinks it would be a great idea to go say hi to his mom, maybe ask her opinion of the weather, how that night's hunt went. But, in a scene that's actually pretty scary, the mom sneaks up from behind and demands that he be quiet before tossing him out. The duo finds that their dog is gone, and a broken collar is the only thing left, so they go down to the cellar to get a shovel to bury the collar. Before they can get down, though, Ignatius J.'s mom comes out and dives at them, ending up in the cellar. The mom grabs Mole, and Ignatius J. thinks, "Hmm, I probably shouldn't save him, but letting my mom eat the only other person here could come back to bite me," or something like that, so he saves Mole.

The two remaining humans decide to drive back to town, but then they remember they can't drive and crash. They get out and Ignatius J. says, "If we stick together, nothing can stop us!" That's right, one's the brawn and one's the... Never mind, they're screwed. All of a sudden, a man named Jesco runs into them with a rifle, but they make peace. Jesco's an author, writing about the supernatural. What a coincidence! He lives out in the forest for a lack of distractions and probably because of a lack of friends, and invites the two to his house. What a great lesson to kids. When a man living in the woods asks you to come to a remote cabin, go with him, especially if he's crazy. Jesco reveals that the only way to cure their mom is with a concoction made with the hair of the wolf that bit her. There's one other ingredient though, so hold your horses: water. Water and hair. Ingenious.

The team goes out with a tranquilizer gun and, sure enough, they find the wolf. They tranquilize it and steal some hair, create the complicated formula, and go back to the house. Jesco and Mole stay outside with a "We'll hold the fort out here, you go get 'em, sport." Ignatius J. goes in alone, is attacked by his mother, and ends up just splashing the potion down her throat. The rest of the team comes in after the fight is over, with the dog, and pretty much says, "Yeah, we heard you scream, but we also saw the dog, and we thought that you had this on your own, so good job. Kudos. Go team." Then the mom didn't remember anything and it all ended happy ever after.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:
"Telling a parent that you think they might be turning into a murderous night creature sure isn't an easy thing to do."

Beautiful Imagery:
"But she picked me up like I was a newborn baby. Or like she was Arnold Schwarzenegger."

Hip References:
"'This isn't Gilligan's Island,' I groused." I just can't believe it. A Gilligan's Island reference? That show is before my generation.

Did... Uh... Did You Even Go to School?:
Nothing. It's crazy, considering the book, but I actually couldn't find anything that fit the topic.

Conclusion: Despite the constant oddities and bad characters, this was actually a pretty good children's horror book. It was suspenseful, and that's more than I can say for most other Shivers books. It's one of the better installments, which is really kinda sad because it's not that great. Overall, props to M.D. Spenser on this one, because even that dream sequence didn't completely ruin the book.

Shivers 16: The Beast Beneath the Boardwalk

I really have to find a new book series, this is killing me. I ended up doing this update pretty late because I got that new app, "Flappy Bird," and I can't stop playing. My high score is 35. I texted my friend and said, "Ha, beat your high score. Sucks to suck," and he said, "You still play that? I deleted that days ago." Everybody whose faces I shoved it in only told me I have no life. I guess that it's true what they say about how lonely it is being better than everyone else. Maybe I should do one of those special edition updates soon. That was fun. Also, I'm going to get one thing clear right now: there is no green slime. That cover is lying. In fact, I don't know where the scare factor is, but that's Shivers for you. I was going to make a The Blob joke, but it's useless here. I don't even think this came from a movie, it's just a really weird plot.

Unfortunately, the narration is pretty bad in this one, too. This character isn't as obnoxious as Spooky, but then again, no one is. This character just says everything he's thinking. An example: when his dad says he has big news, the book says "Sometimes when he says that, it's something good. But not always." Yes, that pretty much covers every possibility. When his dad says it's about summer vacation, "So it was going to be good, right?" And when his dad says that it will get complicated this year, "Oh, so now it was going to be bad!" It's like hearing The Fonz tell a story. It's like that every. Single. Paragraph.

So, Alec Kelly goes to his uncle Louie's house in Seacoast City, New Jersey, every summer. He loves to hang at the arcade, "Lucky Louie's Arcade." But this year, he has to go with his Irish cousin, Mary, who's also twelve (I probably don't need to mention that Alec's twelve by now) and super nice. It's weird that bad stuff happens, since she carries that luck o' the Irish. I happen to love Ireland, since I use Irish Spring shampoo and deodorant. Be ready lads, it's been known to bring out the lasses. Wait, when he hears she's from Ireland, he says, "'But she's in Ireland!,' I said, 'On the other side of the Atlantic Ocean!'" But Mom, but Dad, that's on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean! The Atlantic Ocean!

What might be the worst part of this book, other than the narration, is the foreshadowing at the end of every chapter one and over. Every single chapter, it says something like, "Too bad that was the summer we totally almost died!" or "So it was going to be good, right? Wrong, we totally almost died!" I'm not exaggerating. I checked, it was actually at the end of every single chapter leading up to the conflict. This is why M.D. Spenser needs to take a class on not using literary devices.

So they get to the arcade, and Louie is this totally chipper dude who is pretty much the same personality-wise as every other adult in this book. Or series. He and Mary spark up a conversation, and Alec admits that she's charming. Lucky him, that's legal in New Jersey. Louie points Alec and Mary, whom I always picture as a nun for some reason, towards the cellar where the old games are. There, Mary confronts Alec for acting like what the Irish would call, "An aul git" and just being major "ballix." He apologizes, and they make a wee pact to have each other's heinies.

Soon, Alec falls down the stairs and cuts his lip, so Mary pulls out a handkerchief and takes care of him. It would be like a scene from one of those movies, because Alec seems to always forget that they're cousins, but the cellar gets mysteriously colder and they mosey on out in three shakes of a wee lamb's tail. They meet up with the family, and a terrible hurricane/rainstorm/potential flood starts moving in. The mom and dad go somewhere, Louie goes somewhere else, and Alec and Mary head on back to Louie's place in those yellow slickers. That reminds me of my trip to Scotland, when I got one of those ponchos at a castle and it had the name of the castle on it so even though I make a mean Scottish accent, everyone knew I was a tourist. I ended up buying a kilt, but that looked even weirder so I just wore the kilt while on busy sidewalks back in my own city.

Moving on, instead of being content with being safe back in Louie's house, they get hungry and decide to buy food. Alec asks how much money Mary has, and when she says that she's carrying thirty pounds, Alec gives her one of those looks that say, "I don't know what it's like back in Ireland, but here in America, we use...

"Ca-caw!"

Real Money." They end up with enough, though, but forget that it's a freaking hurricane so no stores are open because the boardwalk is literally being torn apart. Looks like Alec is, as the Irish are so fond of saying, "As sharp as a beach ball."

They end up at the arcade with a pizza they bought, and are frightened by this witchy cackling sound. After a couple pages of "suspense" it turns out that it's just the fortune teller booth. So it was going to be good, right? Alec decides to take a look outside, but gets hit in the head with a neon sign and gets dragged back in by Mary. Then he recounts what happened with a "Okay, here's what happened." Basically, it was total chaos out there. And it was flooding. Oh, and there was some kinda face in a wave or something, I don't know.

The two decide to eat their pizza, which is now soggy and gross. Too bad they didn't have a phone, or they could order

Remember that? So many years ago. Well, Alec decides that he wants to have another go at seeing the outside, preferably without being hit in the head (that's him speaking. Not me.). He looks out, and there's the evil face in the wave again. It comes crashing down and creates dozens of grasping water hands which split into little hand-fingers. Is this original? Can somebody please tell me? If it is, then the stereotype won't hold. I searched "stupid wave monster" but only came up with gnarly surf pics and movies by The Asylum. Guess how Alec beats the monster. I'll give you a hint: it's the second stupidest thing that could happen, right behind offering friendship. He stands his ground, proving he's not afraid. Seriously. Because whynot, right? Oh, but then Mary shows up and screams and gives it power, so they have to go back outside and do the whole thing again. Jesus, I hate it when people interrupt you like that. It doesn't even work, too.

But they do win eventually, and this is the biggest because whynot in the book, perhaps the series. They plug in the fortune teller machine, and being laughed at makes it shrink back into the ocean. Geez, for being an evil wave monster, that thing was kind of a bitch. Anyway, it was all happy and the storm ended and everything was normal again. What a terrifying ending.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:

"I hate tea without milk. Everything was just a total disaster."

Beautiful Imagery:

"He handed me the keys. One had a red plastic thing on the chain. The other had a white thing."

and

"It felt as if I'd been touched by an icy fingernail."

Hip References:

"It's like one of those monsters in those Japanese movies. Something like Godzilla or Rodan." Mothraaaaaaaaaa!

Did... Uh... Did You Even Go to School?:

"The air was a little cooler, and kind of hazy white near the horizon, and the smell of salt and seaweed and whatever else goes into ocean water hit my nostrils."

Conclusion:

I don't know. The plot was O.K, I guess. Not scary, but the characters were kinda fun to read about. And by characters I mean Mary. Only Mary. The resolution was exactly like every other book: they all live happily ever after. The writing just wasn't that great, though the word "bedraggled" did award some points. I think I have the perfect quotes for this: "So it was going to be good, right?""Oh, so now it was going to be bad!" Seriously, though, it was not terrible but definitely not good.

Shivers 17: Ghosts of Camp Massacre

Yeah, so I kinda dropped the ball on this one. I ended up skipping 16, and I just reordered it from Amazon. So, I'll do #16 next weekend. I've decided that I'm not going to do those little extra quotes at the end, because this book is full of the stupidest lines I've ever seen in a Shivers book, and that's an extremely hard record to hold. The narration is unbelievably irritating. This might be even worse than when Winston was the protagonist. It has an extremely holier-than-thou feel to it, and the protagonist is always saying "Oh, this word is spelled this way and means this, in case you didn't know." It's filled with strange innuendos and is the sauciest book since The Curse of the New Kid. The storyline is O.K, but the narration just kills it for me. Well, let's get started.

So, Samantha and her brother Rex are going to camp Wil-He-Waha for the summer. For typing's sake, I will just call it camp Waha. Samantha gets scared easily and earned the nickname "Spooky," and her brother is called "Rex the Pest." Who actually names their child Rex? I think the best way to describe Spooky would be with a quote: "I'm only eleven, but I'm very very mature for my age. I read books without pictures." That was on page one. That was when the book was ruined for me. Spooky is complaining about how monotonous the bus ride is, and helpfully says, "monotony means boring, just in case you didn't know." I did know, but thank you. Oh, then Rex plays some trick on her with an ice cube or something.

This encourages the sentences, "It's a conspiracy. In case you don't know, that means everybody's out to get you." Well, I appreciate the gesture. She had screamed, so her crazy bus driver flipped out at Spooky. Oh no, how could he have picked on our beloved protagonist like that. Oh no. He threatened to throw her off the bus. Her response? "If he was going to throw me out to the wolves and perverts, I was not making it easy for him." I don't think the bus driver would waste his time. Something like this is bound to happen to her eventually.

Then, M.D. Spenser introduces some characters. First, there's Rex's gang: Red, Tommy, and Squirt. Tommy wears black shoes, black pants, and an "Insanity Saints" shirt. There... there has never been a band called Insanity Saints. There is no Insanity Saints. No, wait, listen to this: "His name was Tommy. They ought to have called him Blackie." Classic M.D. Spenser, stating the obvious in such a way that it makes it sound like you're an idiot for thinking it. "There was a kid they called Squirt. I hoped it was because he was small for his age." Me too. At least he's making jokes for his current audience: adults who read these as a kid and adults into children's horror.

Then there was an older boy, Brad. "I didn't like his face. He had pimples." Now, we are finally at camp Waha. The campers are introduced to Mr. Ruffin, the camp director, and their counselors, two of which are named Randy and Mandy. Spooky goes to her cabin with her cabin-mates Jill, Melissa, and Satin. These are pretty weird characters even for M.D. Spenser. Jill and Melissa are totes twinzies and <3 each other forevs and evs, brushing each other's hair and playing with Barbies. It's a trying experience, but their bond of BFF's so close they're like Sis's is so strong that even being side characters in a Shivers book doesn't break it. Satin is one of those people that is going through some tragedy that nobody else wants to hear about so they mention it in subtle conversations, like saying, "Oh, yeah, this food is really good. I never have food like this with my parents because they neglect me and don't want me around." Yeah, she's one of those guys.

Well, it turns out camp Waha is some kind of labor camp where they make campers do "chores" all day with promises of fun later. Also, it never explains why the camp is like this or its connection to the ghosts. Moving on, Cabin Two cleans the kitchen and Spooky gets scared and screams at a dust bunny. I hate everything about her. Wait, here comes one of my favorite lines, "Cabin Four had found enough sticks to burn Joan of Arc." To burn Joan of Arc. I can't tell whether this would be considered tasteless or not. "She was a French woman a long time ago who was burned like a steak for some reason that makes sense only to grownups. In case you didn't know." ...Burned like a steak. Burned like a steak. She was burned like a steak. Burned at the stake? No. Burned like a steak.

For dinner, the campers had canned food. There is some internal dialogue consisting of "Ew, boys are so grody, ew," and Mr. Ruffin says that they have to wake up at sunset for more labor. I just don't understand why they would market and run a summer camp with such little mass appeal. When they get to the cabin, Spooky says that she's an "insomniac. That's somebody who has a hard time falling asleep. It's spelled I-N-S-O-M-N-I and then ACK." Yes, I know what a goddam insomniac is. Also, why repeat the spelling if it's literally in the previous sentence? Better question: why repeat the spelling wrong? I mean, it's more stupid than...
Topical Political Reference: temporarily shutting down the government.

Not-so-topical: declaring a ticket to heaven in response to the murder of Jews and Muslims in defense of Jerusalem.

Wildly Inaccurate: wanting to blow up the U.S. because one is Muslim, all of which are terrorists.
or
All of them gays trying to turn my son/daughter/dog/self into one of them.

Extremely Esoteric: Nine Treasures's newest album, straying from their roots playing Mongolian folk metal.

Whatever way you look at it, it's unnecessary. So, Spooky tries to get some sleep reciting the phone book (you think I'm joking but I'm not), but ends up with no sleep. If only she weren't a freaking insomniack. Oh, but then we get to meet Brad's cabin: twins Ed and Ned, whose names were a real treat for me. Also, a total flunky nicknamed "Malarkey." No, stop, there is not a nerdy, lackey character named Malarkey, it's too good to be true. This is going to be way too much fun.

That night, there's a campfire. Mr. Ruffin tells a story of a family of settlers brutally massacred by the Waha Indians. Is this going to be one of those books where it turns out that the settlers actually murdered the peaceful Indians? No, that's crazy, M.D. Spenser having a cliché and obviously ripped-off plot and a horror aspect and premise that are totally unrelated? That's just malarkey. Oh, I think we just created a stereotype for books 10-20, since the characters stopped moving from big cities. Lucky us. Well, the next day is spent painting the bathrooms while Satin says things like, "So you have a brother? Well, my parents neglect me. How's your day going?" In bed, Spooky thinks that there is someone invisible sleeping beside her. I feel like we went too long without a little snippet of Spooky wisdom, so here goes: "invisible, if you didn't know, is spelled just like it sounds except there's an S instead of a Z." I'm so freaking tired of this. See, this is why Shivers shouldn't attempt character development, it just ends up looking like Sarah Palin attempting to teach a kindergarden class.

Because the readers never tire of reading about camp activities, the group goes on a hike. Here's a quick description of Brad's gang: "Brad looked supercool. Brad's bad. Ed and Nd just looked like nerds in sunglasses. Malarkey was loaded down with all the stuff Brad and the Twerp Twins didn't want to carry." Classic Malarkey, sucking at everything. Spooky thinks that she sees a face in the Old Mill, and gets taunted by everyone including Malarkey. Jesus Christ Malarkey, you killed it. Nice job ruining the joke.

The dodgeball I chucked at Malarkey for being a nerd

Oh, but the hike was actually for picking up supplies from a hardware store. Haha. But cool kid Brad is tired of the system, and decides to rebel and go out to the old mill. He invites the girls, and he jabs Malarkey once during the conversation, so it's fun to read. But then, Spooky says, "'Good riddance... That means scram. In case you didn't know.'" I almost got angry, but then "'We know you wet your bed,' said Malarkey Marky, snickering and giggling." I'm tired of your shit, Malarkey. WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE? WERE YOU PUT ON THIS EARTH JUST TO SUCK REALLY HARD AT EVERYTHING? Only Satin agrees to go to the mill, though, probably because Malarkey scared the rest of them off. But when they come back, everyone is screaming and Satin's hair turned a ghostly white.

At breakfast, Brad's telling the story, with backup from Ed, Ned, and Malarkey. After Brad said he saw a dead baby and screamed, Malarkey said, "'And I just about pooped my pants when he did!' Malarkey testified." There it goes, Malarkey. There goes the last smidgeon of respect I had for you. You're done, Malarkey. You're in the negative zone. Then, Spooky meets the ghost of Emily, one of the settlers, while picking blueberries. She tells her to meet at the Old Mill, but Spooky figures that nobody cool is gonna be there so she ditches. Oh, and it turns out that the other kids never went to the Old Mill, and Satin dyed her hair white to trick her. She dyed her hair white. To trick Spooky. I think M.D. Spenser got these characters straight out of a Goosebumps book or something, because they set a new record. 

The next night, Spooky goes down to the mill and, guess what, I was right. The family slaughtered the Wahas. Crazy. Spooky, the chosen one for no reason that is ever explained, refuses to set them free. The group gets back on the bus and...

In the Tritest Twist Ending Yet...

Spooky speaks to them on the bus, using her heart, and sets them free. Kind of late, but whatever.

There is no insight into the complex minds of character today. You can see why.

Beautiful Imagery:

"I felt something cold and wet, like the tongue of a corpse, lick the side of my neck."

and

"With white hair and white skin, she looked like a glass of milk. A glass of dead man's milk."

Hip References:

Phone books.

Did... Uh... Did You Even Go to School?:

The history. And some definitions. 

Conclusions:

With a satisfying storyline and ending, this is definitely one of the worse Shivers books ever made. It's just so goddam frustrating. I was angry the whole time I read. I just wanted it to end.