Shivers 24: The Ghosts of Devil's Marsh

So here's the newest update. For the next week, I'll be posting a good amount of them. I've been thinking about having friends write stuff on the blog, so that's something that... might happen. I know some pretty funny people, so that could end up well. Hopefully. I mean, I would still be doing the weekly stuff, but there would be other people with different writing voices, so it sounds like a pretty gnarly idea. I don't know, we'll see how it develops.

So the main character is named Samantha. 24 books through and M.D. Spenser already ran out of names. If you don't remember, Samantha "Spooky" is from Ghosts of Camp Massacre and was the worst human being on the planet and oh my god he totally copied the title, too. Well, at least this character is a major step up, but what is it I always say? Something about how it's easy to raise a really low bar, and this is a really low bar.

So good Samantha, age eleven, is staying with her cousins on her dad's side for the summer because her mom has to go to France for two months for work. Samantha's dad died when she was little, so she has to stay with his sister, Sylvie. Sylvie's husband is named Tim, and her children are Adam (Samantha's age), Andy (six), and Allen (the oldest who has no part in this book whatsoever), and Alfie (the baby). They live on Bart's Island, which I assume he made up because there is no state or slightest description of the city.

The book starts out as Samantha receives her new room, a walled-off corner of a bigger room. Oh, and by walled-off I mean it has blankets hanging from the ceiling. Oh, and there's a vent leading down to the boys' room, so that's gonna be awkward. Well, it's no Holiday Inn Express, but it'll do. It was in that very room that Samantha started hearing yelling between the two significant boys, with such actual phrases as, "'You do and you're dog meat, Andy,'" and "'Booger brain!'" God, it's like reading The Goonies. Turns out that the boys are just fighting about something or another, so I'll spare you the details since that happens, like, twelve times in this book.

After dinner, the kids decide to go down to the beach. Samantha is just frolicking along when all of a sudden, Adam and Andy attack her with water guns and... tackling. They threaten to throw her into the ocean when she starts crying and there's that whole awkward, "Oh... shoot, should I approach her, should I not get involved, or maybe I should just leave..." moment. They decide to walk on back when all of a sudden, lightning strikes a tree directly in front of Samantha.

Everybody's OK, so they decide not to worry. But that night, Adam comes in to Samantha's room, complimenting her on her Grateful Dead shirt. Oh dear lord... I have the same shirt as a Shivers protagonist. Well, I know what's going in the bonfire tonight. Anyway, he had a ghostly experience he needed to share, but only if Samantha did a "blood swear," which is where you prick your thumbs and put them together and is apparently a thing. So Huck Finn starts to tell his story.

Next to Adam's house is Devil's Marsh. It's... you know, a marsh. One day, Adam was biking through Devil's Marsh, where any foolish enough to tread shall perish but because whynot? All of a sudden, a nearby tree was struck by lightning, and he kept feeling weird and tingly afterward. The reader can tell that Samantha's having the same problem because of her constant, "I know, me too!" synonyms after every sentence.

So Adam goes down to the struck tree the next night, and hears voices calling him, and ever since then he was able to see things others could not. Samantha is flabbergasted, but then Adam reveals that it was all a big joke. Wow, he sure got her good, pulling an Adam like that. The next day, the gang (Samantha, Adam, and Andy) go to get ice cream. But Adam and Andy ditch Samantha on the way back. They purposely lose her in the middle of their town. Huh. Well, Samantha eventually stumbles upon the resident crab salesman/crazy old lady, who tells her that she has the "devil's power." I wish I had one of those. The best we've got is an avid PCP user/crazy old lady.

Samantha runs away and stumbles upon a pretty bird, which she follows to the local graveyard. There, the bird shows her a MacMillan family plot, and the reader learns the main character's last name halfway through the book. So Samantha finds a gravestone with her exact name, with the death year the very year that she was born. The shock apparently made her a klutz because she then proceeded to knock the angel statue off old Samantha's gravestone. The angel dropped a little cracked heart on the ground, so Samantha does the responsible thing to do and steals a rock off her dead relative's gravestone.

So Samantha's wandering through the marsh when, all of a sudden, Uncle Tim comes in his car and rescues her. Back at the house, Aunt Sylvie shows Samantha some pictures from the photo album of her and Samantha's dad as children, along with some pictures of Sylvie's grandma. That night, as Samantha is going to bed, she hears ghostly moaning calling out her name and starts to run downstairs when she sees Adam standing on a chair on his bed, calling into the air vent. Oh, he was trying to scare her. Hardy har har ha ho ha ha lulz so much effort. What child actually tries that hard? Jesus, he's pulling such an Adam right now, it's unbelievable.

But here's the thing that's gonna really blow your mind: there's a good dream sequence. There is a good dream sequence in a Shivers book. There's this snake who paralyzes Samantha and she hears two women arguing, except that they're really a snake and a bird, and the snake starts to attack Samantha but then the bird fights it so Samantha runs away and wakes up. You can't tell from that run-on sentence, but it's actually pretty well-done, it had a nice, dreamy feel to it.

When Samantha wakes up during the night, she sees a huge fire deep in the marsh, but when she wakes up Aunt Sylvie, it's gone. When Samantha tells Adam the next morning, he recalls a story: there once was a woman who smothered her son with affection. She didn't want him to leave her, but he was seeing someone behind her back and told her he was getting married. Unfortunately, this was while they were driving through the marsh and going towards a truck, so Mom decided to go out with a bang as well as a heartless murder. I swear this is straight out of Angel.

So ever since that collision, people have seen fires. Samantha also tells Adam everything else, and he actually believes her, partly because the BS story he told Samantha earlier was a story some other people had told. He decides to bring the group back to the crazy old lady's house. On the way, Samantha faces many obstacles, such as...
1. Evil laughter in her head
2. More evil laughter in her head.
3. "Gangster's Paradise" by Coolio stuck in her head
These things shouldn't stop her in her tracks, but they do. Oh, and then they run into an alligator on a bridge or something. But then Allen's (the older brother, remember him? This is when he's important) friend drives by and saves them, taking Andy home. Adam and Sammy go to Nadina's, the crazy lady's, house.

Nadina tells them that the ghost of the old Samantha must be put to rest by going to its grave at midnight, maybe wearing bright clothing so the kidnappers can have an easier time finding them, burning a picture of the grandmother, and burying the ashes. When Sam and Adam get back home, Sam asks Sylvie for info on Sam's father's grandmother. Sylvie said that Samantha's great-grandmother always felt that the people she loved left her, and she seems overdramatic and annoying. Blah blah blah her loved ones died blah blah blah granddaughter got married and only had the grandson left before he married too. To show her he was sorry, her grandson named his daughter after her: Samantha. But then there was a car accident and Samantha's dad and great-grandma died.

So Samantha and Adam get to the grave, and Adam starts burning the picture while good-Samantha is tortured by evil-snake-Samantha. Finally, the ritual is done, the ghost forgives her, and there's some cheesy final line. The end.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:
On a gravestone: "Winslow Thomas Stevens. December 21, 1760 - April 3, 1776. No braver son died for his country.
Cool!"

Beautiful Imagery: Out of Context Edition
"Slowly, she spirals up my leg. I hold my breath. She slithers under my shorts. I feel her spiky tongue flick my thigh. I can't stand it any longer. 'AAAYYEEE!' I scream." I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was reading Hentai.

Hip References:
"Facing the sofa I saw a TV with video game cartridges and VCR tapes scattered everywhere"

Did... Uh... Did You Even Go to School?:
"'Chhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa,' the alligator hissed again."

Conclusion:
For a Shivers book, it was pretty gnarly. The characters spoke like actual human beings, with unmentioned back-and-forth's like I would have as a kid. It certainly wasn't scary, but the story was OK and the writing style wasn't bad, even for a first-person novel. All-in-all, good job, M.D. Spenser.

Shivers 22: Lost in Dreamland

So, this book isn't actually terrible, but it certainly isn't good. I mean, it's self-referential and the plot makes no sense and the characters are obnoxious, but it's not terrible.

So, this book has a little twist from the beginning: there are two main characters, twins! Oh, and it's in third person, which I seriously approve of. Good job, M.D. Spenser. Anyway, they're with their parents, Mom and Dad, looking for their car keys in a completely unnecessary scene that I guess was to introduce the characters. Later, the foursome is driving to the hottest new amusement park, Dreamland. Every kid needs to go there, because it has the best haunted house, scariest roller coaster, and best animatronic robots! Plot point bells goin' off yet?

So Dreamland is a direct competitor of Disney World, actually set in Orlando. As the family arrives, they are greeted by totally realistic guys on horseback, who announce their presence and set off a bunch of trumpeters. Oh, but they're all robots. It's a massive amount of money invested into a Shivers themed amusement park, probably the scariest concept in this book.

So before we get any farther, let me explain the characters. The twins, Barbara and Bill, are supposedly very smart, a fact that gets disproved constantly. They also play instruments. So yeah.

The family enters the park when a giant tractor comes driving at full speed towards them, at an amusement park, without their parents caring. This is either a classic stupid dream sequence or classic stupid children. Anyway, the tractor was fake and went right through them. Downright terrifying. Oh, but there's so much more. When they went to ride the "Man in the Moon" ride, they were stopped by a robber who asked for "their money or their lives." In the middle of an amusement park, and they thought it was real. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but these may be the stupidest protagonists ever to be in a Shivers book. And it's such a high bar.

After Space Mountain The Man on the Moon, the team goes to get food. But while at the restaurant, Bill starts choking on chicken. Nobody knows what to do, and it's utter chaos. Bill's dad is patting him on the back, Mom is yelling for somebody to do something, and Barbara's doing something along the lines of, "Look, guys, I can rub my head and pat my tummy, look, look." Ya, these people really aren't the brightest bulbs in the chandelier, which I guess is good as they can easily relate to all diehard Shivers fans.

So a robotic chef comes and saves Bill, which kinda creeps out the parents. After lunch, they decide to go to the best haunted house ever. It's called... "The Haunting House."

IT'S TOO MUCH SO SELF-REFERENTIAL NOOOOOOOOO!!11!1!!!1!

Ok, so I freaked out a little bit. It's totally justified though, because come on... he made a ride off of "a famous story" about "two girls who moved with their family into a strange, old house... The place was possessed by an evil spirit that made it hate the residents, trying to kill them." It's just so self-indulgent. M.D. Spenser shouldn't even be allowed to do that. The best part: it's completely accurate. He actually reread the book just to create a haunted house based on his previous setting, and I think I'll stop myself before I go too overboard.

So our old friends Caitlyn and Lynne, the original Even Steven and Odd Todd, lead the tour in robot form before running off and telling everybody they're on their own. So it's not even a ride, it's just walking around on your own. They go through the house, experiencing the terrifying holographic house attacks, when they go up to Lynne's room. It has the secret passage from the actual book, remember? REMEMBER? The worst part is that it's actually a crucial aspect to the story.

Being the idiots that they are, Barbara and Bill volunteer to crawl into the tunnel, after being told to explore it by a complete stranger who actually said, "we could use some twins." For what, your underground child dungeon? And on the way in, Bill actually makes a "we may never see you again" joke. Hardy har har ha ho ha ha lulz so funny. No sarcasm involved, he really is a regular Jay Leno.

So Dumb and Dumber go on through the tunnel for hours because it's too small to turn around. They eventually drop down into a giant tunnel underground. And I was joking about the dungeon thing earlier. Eventually, they're grabbed by two big goons and thrown into a big white van with tinted windows and some dirt and blood marks on the sides. 

OK, so I made most of that stuff up about the car. It was a van, and with M.D. Spenser, it really doesn't get much more descriptive than that. So, the twins try to reason with the goon with some classics that go kinda like this: "My dad's a cop, he'll arrest you," "We won't tell our totally policeman father," "you know what they do to pretty boys like you in prison," stuff like that. Then they try some of their classics: "I need to go potty," "Lalala I can't hear you," "Look, guys, I can rub my head and pat my tummy, look, look!" But nothing works, and they're shipped off to some science facility.

The big goon guy decides that he's tired of their idiocy and starts strangling them before a nice scientist named Alex stops him. He really is a charming lad. Seems like a nice Jewish boy, too. So Alex lets them know that they can't ever leave Dreamland or see their parents again. Again, my kind of guy. First, he forces them to do a voice over for a radio add, and actually waits patiently for an hour while they do it. The kindness is bordering on creepy. I can see now how he owns this underground hideout. 

So Alex lets them know that they'll be acting in the same roles the rest of their lives, whatever that means, and then reveals what it means. He turns real people into robots. Congrats to the everybody smarter than the twins that saw this coming. 

Eh, still better than Lego Land.

So Alex brings them to a guy named Dr. Ferret. He starts to get them ready when the twins, in a short burst of intelligence, suggest that maybe they should practice their instruments so they're good when they are robotized. Once alone, they record some scales with a tape recorder that they stole and crawl out an air vent. They make it outside, and run to the parking lot. But they see the evil scientists running at them from all directions, when all of a sudden the police come in helicopters and brutally murder all of them with their giant robots and lasers because whynot? Apparently they came when the parents got nervous that their children went missing in a dark tunnel in an amusement park. Huh.

So, the police arrest everyone and all the robots are freed and they all lived happily ever after.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:

"'We'll give you new names later, something that will suit your work in the orchestra. Maybe names like Bruno and Helga. Yes, I rather like that!'" Bruno and Helga.

Beautiful Imagery:

"A moment later, a heavy wooden drawer in the kitchen counter exploded toward them like a missile."

Hip References:

"'Yeah, it's me. Who'd ya think was gonna answer this phone, Michael Jordan?'''

 Did... Uh... Did You Even Go to School?:

"'My research team has come up with a diet of pills that give the body all the necessary nutrients — and yet also make a human being, or even an animal, completely obedient.'" It just... It's not the science that bothers me, it's the complete lack of an attempt to explain.

Conclusion:

It just seems lazy. M.D. Spenser's not a stupid person, but this could have been written in less than half an hour. Shivers books have three strikes: self-referencing, having a total deus ex machina, and obviously ripping off of something else. This has all three, plus the characters are obnoxious, it's not scary, and the ending blew. So... one of my least favorites, I'd say.

Shivers 23: Night of the Goat Boy

So... the title of this book. I would usually reference a writer with a knack for terrible titles, but M.D. Spenser actually fits the bill really well. But the good news: it's in third person! I don't have to hear every thought of whatever eleven-or-twelve-year-old brat I happen to read about. Unfortunately, the 22nd book has not quite gotten here yet, so I'm skipping ahead. The thing about this book that pains me the most, though, is the back summary.

"Lights out, campers! Would a show-time summer for Nathaniel keep the illusion alive or was he in the real life role of goat food? He was one happy kid at Camp Spotlight, where acting was the way of the day. But at night, he and his tent-mates didn't dare doubt the campfire story of Goat Boy. Half boy, half goat, and all teeth. Get real! There's nothing to fear. Or is there? Nathaniel was so confused. To be, or not to be--scared? That was the question. The answer will scare you, too.
TWILIGHT OF TERROR..."

I feel like this preview really appeals to its target audience of eight-year-olds with ADD. Speaking of, the first page described Nathaniel (main character)'s little sister, Amanda, trying to make scary faces at her brother. Nathaniel is slim and sporty, with gray eyes (I looked it up and apparently it's a thing). Besides sporting such games as ball-hoop and stick-disk, Nathaniel likes to write and act in plays. Yeah, I really don't know much about sports. During rainy days, he would pass out plays and have his friends act in them, so he's not even that deep in the closet. He had been begging his parents to let him go to Camp Spotlight, and though they were hesitant, they let him go.

The day he got permission, Nathaniel's mom tells him that she met his father at that camp. It went something along the lines of, "Well, we didn't fall in love back then because we were only eleven, but you know how teen pregnancy rates are through the roofs?..." Seriously, though, they did meet there. Oh, and then there's a flashback to when Nathaniel's mom and dad are talking about whether to let Nathaniel go, and how "it" might have gotten worse, but that "it's" just part of the Camp Spotlight experience and they all had to endure it, and how they got out OK. I don't know why, but this made me expect something out of "The Most Dangerous Game." That would be cool.

Anyway, Nathaniel is assigned to tent number 5. There he meets his cabin mates: Jacques, whose introduction is "Hey, dude... My name's Jacques. How ya doin'?" He's a short boy with glasses. Basically, he sucks. That is, until you meet the others: Chris, a suntanned boy with a backwards baseball cap, and Brian, a kid with "dark bangs that flopped almost into his eyes." Wow. These kids are so cool, my computer is actually freezing. The hipness level is, as Jacques would say, "Over 9000." Oh, and then there's Mr. Dingle.

Mr. Dingle walks in during this scene. He wears "a red-and-white polka dot shirt, plaid shorts, black socks and heavy sandals." It's too good to be true. This is what I imagined M.D. Spenser to look like. When he leaves, he actually says, "ta ta." Then Jacques makes fun of him, and the boys are described "slapping palms." Slapping palms.

When the group went for roll call, Nathaniel spots an attractive girl (#luvinterestalert), Jillian. He says that he had grown out of the "girl are yucky, eww, cooties" phase, which is impressive because I haven't even gotten that far yet. But he's not quite to the point of being interested in them yet. Nor will he ever be. After roll call, the foursome heads on over to the cafeteria, where they learn they are doing a production of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown." Then they go over to the campfire for scary stories.

Just a quick interruption: Did you know M.D. Spenser has a blog? I know, it's like Heaven online. But that's where I learned that the Shivers series actually used to be pretty popular, back in the 90's's "low-standards children horror book" era (also see: Goosebumps). Oh, then I signed a petition to get Shivers republished. If you guys could do that, it would be really cool, so I could get Shivers without having to buy from obscure, sketchy sellers and travel to dark alleys just to buy a damn children's horror book. Oh, and because I kinda owe it to him for ripping on him all the time. So... yeah, that would be great. Just search up "shivers republishing petition" or something. It's on ipetition.com.

Anyway, the ghost stories. First, Mr. Dingle says one, and it is not shown in the book but was probably adorkably lame. Then, he leaves for something or another and two counselors, Andrew and Austin, take over. They start telling a terrifying story about a teenage boy named Kenny, who lived on a goat farm nearby. He wanted to be an actor, but his father wouldn't let him. He said something along the lines of, "Why waste time acting when you could have a high-paying, steady job like goat-farming?" So Austin snuck down to Camp Spotlight the same year Nathaniel's parents went there, and he kept watching the children from the forest. But, because children are cruel, as illustrated by those bullies in that movie Bully, they started taunting Kenny with the effective but highly unoriginal name "Goatboy."

Eventually, Kenny got tired of their abuse, and decided to go light a tent on fire. Now, seeing as how he visited this camp from a nearby farm and had freedom to leave whenever he wanted, I feel like Kenny's maybe taking this a little too far and is also crazy. So the new Michael Meyers dips, and all the kids get out safely. But then, and this is actually in the book, an overly-concerned parent who works as a stage magician goes over to the farm and casts a spell on Kenny, turning him half boy, half goat. And I thought PTA moms were bad. They are, they're all terrible.

Then, one of the counselors jumps out of the forest and bleats like a goat, which I guess is supposed to be scary. The campers go to sleep, and then wake up the next morning and go to the Mess Hall. They eat a gross breakfast, and Chris jokes, "I see why they call it a mess hall." Hardy har har ha ha ho ha lulz he's so funny. He's a regular Jay Leno. Anyway, auditions were next, and roles were given based on singing ability. Nathaniel was stopped right off the bat because he sings terribly, so he does a little skip over to his buddies to mask his disappointment. But Mr. Dingle likes the skip, a variation of Nathaniel's touchdown victory dance. Homosexuality is a very complex topic for a children's horror book. Way to handle it, Mr. Spenser.

His dancing skills get him cast as Snoopy, the lovable dog-pilot that I remember far too well. During rehearsals, a light fixture comes crashing down, almost squishing Nathaniel. That's pretty much the most excitement we get the whole book. That night, there are bleating sounds from outside, what can only be described as the cry of the goat. The next night, he finds a note warning him that he will be eaten soon. He shows the note and explains the noises to his buddies, who are obviously saints because they don't make fun of him mercilessly. Later that night, the boys wake up trapped inside their sleeping bag. They start to scream and call for help, and are eventually saved by Mr. Dingle.

The five of them go to Andrew and Austin's cabin, but they had been sleeping. Was it the goat boy? With pranks like that, should we care? It seems more like a ghost to me. Tired of recent shenanigans, Nathaniel and friends decide to walk on down to the old farmhouse and check it out. Nathaniel gets caught by the old farmer, who has had visits about the Goat Boy before. The farmer tells Nathaniel he can either take a tour of the farm to prove that there's no Goat Boy, go inside the house and meet "the Goat Boy" (though this one is more of a joke), or get arrested for trespassing. To sum it all up, his options are:
1. probable child molester
2. probable child molester
3. the police
He takes the obvious choice and is given a tour of the farm. It's pretty boring. The farmer makes a joke about the Goat Boy living in his basement (plot point bells going off, yet?).

After Nathaniel is released back into the wild, he goes back to camp and tells his friends all about what happened. It seemed everything had gone back to normal, but that night, Jillian (possible love interest from way earlier) runs around, screaming about the Goat Boy. She said that the head from the book cover was in the bathroom window. Mr. Dingle tells everyone that there's nothing to worry about, but then finds his cabin totally wrecked, with one of his sandals broken (I consider that a kindness). Later that night, Nathaniel wakes up to find the Goat Boy outside the tent. He charges past him, completely disregarding his friends' lives, when the Goat Boy's head falls off. It turns out it was just Andrew.

Nathaniel snatches the head and runs toward Mr. Dingle's cabin, apparently unaware that snitches get stitches. Mr. Dingle gets angry at Austin and Andrew, and they explain their elaborate scheme. Austin's dad was a taxidermist, so they took his stuffed goat head. They also left the note and scared Jillian in the bathroom window, which is extremely creepy considering the 11 to 17 age difference. But they deny that they ever trashed Mr. Dingle's cabin, or ate his sandal.

The next morning, the show goes on. Nathaniel was the best damn Snoopy there ever was, and everybody's happy. Andrew and Austin's parents get told about the pranks, Nathaniel says his goodbyes to all his friends, his parents tell him the only thing they were afraid about was the tradition of telling the terrifyingly spooky tale of the Goat Boy, and the family drives off into a smiling sunset.

Then, the old farmer walks down into his basement. He sees a piece of chewed up sandal and realizes that the Goat Boy escaped again.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:
When describing Mr. Dingle: "Nathaniel thought the guy ought to be in a museum. You know, where they had a figure for Neanderthal Man, and Cro-Magnon Man, and Modern Man. This guy, whoever he was, would be perfect as Dweeb Man."

Beautiful Imagery:
"Mr. Dingle had a voice as bad as his fashion sense."

Hip References:
""'Ohh, burn,' said Brian. He licked his finger and touched it to Jacques's forehead and made a s-s-s-s-s-s sizzling sound." No, stop, it's too good to be true, that can't be. My prayers have been answered.

Did... Uh... Did You Even Go To School?:
"He was not sure about this at all. He had been cast as a dog." Not just any dog. It's Snoopy.
Yeah, there was nothing good.

Conclusion:
The ending was gnarly, and would have been super kick-ass if the Goat Boy had done anything scary before then. Apparently he zipped the main character in a sleeping bag and ate a sandal. Overall, not a bad book. It did a good job of pulling the reader along, at least. Oh, and by the way, I'm changing my schedule to sometime during the weekend. Between Friday and Sunday there will be a post (preferably Friday or Saturday).

Shivers 21: A Waking Nightmare

M.D. Spenser has written some pretty bad books. Really bad books. But this book... this book is actually good. Like, impressively so (for a Shivers book). I'm convinced that the plot was at least partially copied from somewhere, but as I have no evidence I'll just have to give him a pat on the back. Now, the writing style is still not in my top ten, or thousand, lists, and most of the characters are aggravating and there is so much left unexplained but this really beat my expectations. I will let you interpret that as you will.

This book starts out as our protagonist, Martin NLN, complains about just how much he hates getting blamed for things he didn't do. Judging by the sheer amount of complaints, I would say a lot. His mom starts yelling at him for doing something he isn't even aware of yet, and actually begins to count off a list of things he did wrong, even though he just woke up. I can safely say that being in a Shivers book is pretty high up there. It turns out that someone, in the middle of the night, snuck into the kitchen, ate a jar of peanut butter, careful to get as much as possible on the counter and floor, and broke a plate.

So Martin is blamed because he likes peanut butter and apparently smashing plates. He denies this, of course, and is sent to his room. Then, he has a flashback to when he was younger and backed up his dad's car back before his parents got divorced, smashing his mom's bike. He convinced his nice little brother Farley to take the blame. Remember this, it's important later on. But honestly, I've read better backstories on board game instructions.

Martin loves reading history books. Gee, I seem to remember a certain stupid and obnoxious character that does the exact same thing. He loves to talk about Australia's history and how it was founded by convicts and how badly they were treated and I really do not care. This is just further proof that M.D. Spenser incorporates whatever nonfiction book he happens to be reading in to his novel. Anyway, Farley cleans up the mess so that their mom doesn't take away their trip to the beach the next day. Also, they have a trip to the beach the next day. Later, Martin has an internal conversation about how much he likes being the child of divorced parents. He says that normal children will believe (and be) whatever their parents tell them, but he has judgement because he hears a lot of different things from both parents. It's so deep I had trouble reading the words, they were so deeply etched in the page. Just... just so deep.

That night, Martin was trying to sleep when he realized something: someone outside of his family must have eaten the peanut butter. His mom hated peanut butter because apparently she isn't a human being, his brother is scared it will glue his tongue to his mouth and he would die (I'm serious). Now, that would make this book worth reading. Martin actually comes to the conclusion that someone snuck into their house, ate their peanut butter, smeared it around their kitchen, and broke a plate. Maybe he should start locking their doors to prevent more uninteresting conflicts.

The next morning, the NLN family puts their cat, Skunk (hahaha such ironic humor) outside and prepares for a great day at the beach. But then they find that their tires are slashed, so it's probably not going to happen. Their mom calls the sheriff of some unspecified city in Maine where they live. The sheriff comes over and they discover that the tires were slashed with Martin's Swiss army knife. The sheriff thinks that Martin's slashing of the tires is a result of puberty or something, becoming a teenager is a difficult time. I remember when I was younger, I had my tire-slashing, breaking-and-entering, peanut-butter-eating days myself. Boy, was I wild back then.

Me, during my wild high school years

So the sheriff says that he can't help them, and their mom goes and locks herself in her room. Well, now I know who gets the second place "Worst parent" award. Right behind

That night, Martin couldn't go to sleep, so he reads some more stories of tortured and undernourished Australian convicts. Wow, Martin, you are actually so dark and cool I can't even help myself. Eventually Farley comes in and they sleep together. 

The next morning, nothing bad happened. Nothing. No messes of jarred food, broken silverware, or slashed tires. The boys played Store, which I was too old for at 12, and 7, but whatever. Night comes around, Martin tells us a little more about Australian convicts, telling me that he's darker and cooler than the inside of an arctic cave, and then goes to bed. The following morning, the kitchen is a mess. There's peanut butter and jelly smeared on the wall, and their table and chairs are totally smashed. But the worst part: the mom automatically blames him. That actually defies logic, and I think I would probably just leave the house at that point. There is a limit to human stupidity. Luckily, Farley points out a giant paw print, so that probably rules out Martin.

The mom faints, so the boys are alone with whatever monster is inside. They split up, of course, or else I would have to accuse them of using common sense. Martin thinks he hears the beast for about a chapter ending, but it's just his cat, which made him want to "drop kick that cat about a hundred yards into the end zone," which I'll admit made me laugh a little bit. Martin tries to call the sheriff, but... well, just think about the explanation. There is none.

That night, their mom let them sleep in their own beds, which is.. what, her tenth strike? Whatever. After reading about how the rich Australians hated the convicts' children, Martin falls asleep. Farley wakes up Martin with his screaming and yelling, "Martin!" He notices a big bruise on his side when he wakes up, and assumes that the evil creature gave it to him. Farley told Martin and Mom that he saw the beast walk into Martin's room, and hit it with a baseball bat, but was knocked aside. Their mom finally does something right and lets the kids sleep in her room. 

Farley thought the spirit was a ghost. If only they had that girl from The Haunting House, she would know what to do but not feel like doing it! Martin decides to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and it turns out that he's the beast. It's better than the twist in most Shivers books. So Martin runs away in beast mode and cries in the middle of the forest. All of a sudden, he is captured by the sheriff and his deputies.

He wakes up in a clearing, where his mom is playing the organ. It turns out he has "Cholera Metamorphosis." Oh, I believe that's the form of anger so extreme that you turn into an ugly werewolf, Latin for "Terrible Plot Stuffer." In order to cure himself, he has to pick up a baseball bat and beat another monster beast to death. He does it, and it turns out it's just a mirror. I just realized how lazy this is. Well, it works, and it turns out that he'd been blaming himself for what wasn't his fault all along: his parents' divorce. His dad, who flew in just to help out, gets Martin to stop blaming himself, Martin remarks on how the rich Australians eventually forgave the convict-spawn, and everybody was happy.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:

"I fell asleep dreaming sweet dreams of criminals who wouldn't tell anyone when the man chained next to them died, so they could eat his food as well as their own." Jesus Christ, Martin, can I please be you?

Beautiful Imagery:

When Martin has to fight the mirror: "Standing on the other side, also carrying a club, was the most monstrously ugly, hideously deformed beast I have ever seen." That is all that is used to describe it.

Hip References:

History from the late 1700's, gigantic mirrors, the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Did... Uh... Did You Even Go to School?:

Nothing, M.D. Spenser was actually pretty spot on with Australian immigration history. Pat on the back for him.

Conclusion:

It was pretty damn good. Cliché, yes, but the end was unexpected enough to be a good twist. Sure, there was a lot of unexplained things, such as whether the adults knew the whole time, how long they knew, and why there was an organ, but I have to give M.D. Spenser props for this. It was not bad.

Shivers 20: Babyface and the Killer Mob

I just want to start off saying that nothing on the cover of this book actually happens. There is no skeleton mobster, that's a portrayal of something M.D. Spenser could have written about  to actually scare children. Which he didn't. With this book. Anyway, it's written in M.D. Spenser's best tough guy voice, consisting of writing "see?" after each sentence and calling himself "Joey, old boy." At one point, it actually says, "Then old Joey's goose is cooked for sure!" It's in first person, of course, so he's constantly correcting his own grammar, mostly when not engaged in dialogue. He also says, "ya" instead of "you." So, now for the plot.

So, Joey is introduced complaining about how "all the dopey grown-ups in the world think they can push us around," so that's really fun to read about for four pages. My favorite line might just be, "I want to kick them in the shins or something and yell, 'Hey, buddy! Who died and left you in charge around here!'" Just like something out of The Godfather. Ya see, Joey's been wantin' to be a mobster, a gangster, a regular Al Capone, see? He's been asking all the local mobsters in Miami if he could join them, but they just tell him to go play with his dolls (this is all in the book, I am completely serious). So one day, Joey sees some mobsters named Lou, Rocco, Jimmy, Jackie, and Mikey.

So these guys, who are actually just stolen characters from The Sopranos with exactly the same names and no descriptions to prove otherwise, are walking toward Joey with baseball bats and crowbars and the like, see? Alright, I'm sorry, I'll stop now. They end up walking past Joey, who asks to join them. One of them thrusts a gun in his hand and says yeah, sure, but only if you kill this one guy. Or the alternative, which means death for Joey and happiness for Shivers readers everywhere (so... me). In the end, Joey says he can't and Jackie takes the gun, pointing it at Joey's head. He squeezes the trigger and... it's a water gun. These mobsters carried around weapons and a painted water gun with the hope that they might run into this kid and play a terrible trick on him. Is this... there's so much wrong with all of this. Is this what Spenser thinks crime syndicates are up to? I mean, unless that guy always carries a water gun for some weird, kinky reason.

They start cracking up, and Rocco actually says, "'You ain't nothing but a pansy, kid. Maybe we should call you Joanne instead of Joey.'" M.D. Spenser does it again, with a burn for the ages. Joey then jokingly threatens to rat on them to the Muscle Gang, their gang (the Killer Mob)'s biggest enemy. That could be considered excusable, but he actually gives a detailed explanation as to exactly how he would rat on them. Jesus, I honestly don't like this protagonist. So the gangsters decide to have him swim with the fishes, which might be considered a little much but something which, at this point, I am not entirely opposed to.

Mikey and Rocco drag Joey to a warehouse, where they are attacked by the Muscle Gang. Both sides managed to miss every shot they fire, so everybody was unharmed. Joey, as he was sprinting away, slipped on some oil and woke up inside a grown man's body. He was driving a car towards the gunfight and took advantage of the situation to try to score some bonus points, maybe hit a squirrel or a stray cat. He ends up scaring off the Muscle Gang members, and the Killer Mob goons get in and compliment him, Babyface, on his excellent and completely ignorant driving.

Then, he can't start the car, giving the Muscle Gang more time to shoot at and miss them. It turns out he forgot to turn the keys. He forgot to turn the keys. He is thirteen and lives in a big city and has absolutely no idea how to drive, not to mention he's a complete idiot. They eventually get away, and then crash at high speeds, flipping over multiple times. Guess how many of them are actually injured. I'll give you a hint: it's less than 1 and more than -10. If you haven't figured out that this is all a dream brought about to teach a semi-relatable moral, now would be a great time.

The trio hitch a cab and start to interrogate Babyface/Joey. Turns out Babyface was the best getaway driver in the business, which, granted, is not very large, but still. They decide to take him to see the boss, a.k.a The Boss. They tell The Boss what happened, and he starts getting real suspicious... see? (I'm sorry, they say it a lot in that scene). Joey starts crying, making them believe that he is Babyface, because that's where he got his nickname. Very creative spin, M.D. Spenser. They are finally convinced when they ask Joey what Babyface's only drink was, and he said root beer. Which was correct.

Babyface, the guy they all thought was either a traitor or monumentally high until minutes earlier, is then assigned to take The Boss's wife, Sondra, shopping. On the way, she reveals that she too was transported from a child's body to an adult's when she was thirteen, and that she's been The Boss's wife for nearly three years. She had to learn how to do a lot of adult things... a lot of adult things. Of course, M.D. Spenser doesn't have any mention of this, and probably didn't actually realize the implications, which is completely fine by me. That would be an awkward conversation.

On the way to the mall, the pair is stopped by the Muscle Gang, who interrogates them about an attack they heard about. Sondra begins to tell them everything about the plan to launch an all-out attack on Muscle Gang headquarters, a plan that was mentioned at some point earlier in the book that I completely forgot to write about. Then the Killer Mob breaks in, and Joey stands up in the middle of the gunfire and yells about how he just wants to be a kid. Can you guess what happens next? I'll give you a hint: what involves waking up from an extended dream sequence and could have been written by a mass puppy murderer? Everything's happily ever after, Joey is his old kid self again. Of course.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:
When the mobsters were planning on killing Joey for threatening to snitch, "I know the routine. I'll use some good cement, Jackie."
I'll use some good cement, Jackie.

Beautiful Imagery:
"Kaaa-paaap! Kaaa-paaap! bullets whiz all around me. Kaaa-paaap!"

Hip References:
The Sopranos. I still can't tell whether that was meant to be noticed.

Did... Uh... Did You Even Go to School?:
Everything, every single thing. I swear to God, this book could have been written in twenty minutes by a quadriplegic monkey.

Conclusion:
I just can't tell whether this was ripped off of a movie, or just a combination of one of those "careful what you wish for" movies, like Freaky Friday, and mobs from animated Nickelodeon TV shows. There was just no effort, no thought put into this at all. So... not his best work.