Still More Scary Stories for Sleepovers

1. Night of the Kii-Kwan:
If it smells like a wolf-man, and it looks like a wolf-man, is it a wolf-man? Yes, I find that that's always true. If there's one thing I've picked up from life experience, it's that everything is always exactly what meets the eye. That's why, when main character Matthew calls the wolf-men "Kii-Kwan," despite them being described as having "black fur" and "curved claws" and being "wolfish," I will call it a wolf-man, no matter how insistent he is.

So Matthew gets these packages from his mother, an archeological scientist or something, with all her discoveries. One includes a journal with a story about the wolf-men. So Matthew immediately calls up his friends for an annual meeting of the Terror Society, a group that meets and listens to Matthews scary stories. Isn't it strange, how as kids, we just eat this kind of stuff up without question? Having grown up, I look back and remark on how ridiculous it is that kids would sneak out about once a month to tell spooky stories around a campfire or buy and wear matching hats with their club's name or stuff like that, but as a kid, we just sort of nod and accept it. I don't know, it's interesting.

Anyway, Matthew hooks them with his story about wolf-men (by the way, they fear fire, so keep that in mind. It's relevant in the future), and they return home. Two weeks later, Matthew gets another package with a book of spells. He meets with the Terror Society right away because apparently nobody has plans ever, and they try a rain dance, which fails. And in case that wasn't scary enough for you, they then do a "Kii-Kwan" summoning spell, which works. They see hundreds of glowing eyes in the forest before Matthew remembers that they're scared of fire, so as long as they feed it until day- oh never mind the rain spell worked.

Conclusion: Good story. Cool ending.

2. A Special Pair
Right, so this is a pretty confusing story. I'm just gonna make a flowchart.

Conclusion: What the hell.

3. "The Gunslinger"

Chris is an expert on his town's history, knowing every fact and person from back when it was stuck in the Wild West. His favorite things to... know, I guess, are the gangs and outlaws. One day, he's walking home with his friends and stumbles across the graves of a legendary gang run by famous criminal D.B Rance. Chris kicks his tombstone, saying that he's not scared of him, he wouldn't be scared of him if he lived back then, blah blah blah. You know, one thing I don't like about these stories is that they're so predictable. You know what's going to happen at the end from the very first page with some of these tales. In case you can't guess, I'll give you a hint: D.B. Rance crushes Chris with a D.B. Branch. Also Chris dies.

Conclusion: Meh. Not awful, but not very good.

4. "The Slime Mutants of Clear Lake"

"Diane pulled on her favorite sweatshirt. It was so faded and worn that the message on the front, 'Make Earth Day Every Day,' was barely readable." 1/10 wouldn't wear.

Conclusion: This one's actually pretty good. It's about these kids that go on a field trip to a lake where a bunch of moss starts growing on them and possessing them to kill each other. Then Diane escapes and hitches a ride with a cop when she feels the moss on herself. It's really cool, and there's this one gnarly scene where the teacher is fumbling for his keys and one of the possessed children kicks them into a fire. Too bad this terrifying enemy will eventually meet his match: herbicide.

5. "The Storm"

This is a story about a young boy and his family that stay in a haunted inn. It's awesome. Look it up and read it. Just in case you need more convincing, when the main character claims he saw a person on the porch, the owners say, "Sometimes the lightning can play tricks." Yes, like creating human beings.

P.S. important please read:

Schedule change.  From now on, I will be posting one half of the short stories every weekend. It's easier for me, and I can go more in-depth into the stories without having to rush through them, which will happen starting next weekend. This ends this week's post.

P.P.S. I've gotten a request for the inheritance series. I'm wondering whether I should include spoilers and major plot points in my post. Seeing as how they're children's books, it shouldn't be too much of a problem, but they are full-length novels and I want to know whether or not you guys have a problem with it. So... email me.

6. "Homecoming"

You know, I would really love to accuse this story of being a total movie ripoff. The way it's written seems like it was taken from something, I just forgot what from... Oh well. It's still reasonably good. It's about a kid named Timothy who wakes up in a snowy forest with no memory of recent events. He walks around having flashbacks about how he got there. He remembers that he and his cousin Sandy went there to test out a model boat. Went out to the nearby lake at night to test a model boat. Yeah, sure, that's awesome, I was afraid the characters would show some sort of sense. Mock dialogue time:

"Hey, Sandy, how cool would it be to go out at night and test a model boat?"

"Um... that doesn't sound very cool..."

"Cool, so in an hour?"

"No, I just disagreed-"

"We could sit here and argue about something as unreliable as memory, or we could go out to the lake!"

"Fine, I'll go, whatever."
"Oh my God, why are we still here? Let's gooooooo."

In the present, Timothy is hiking through the forest when he remembers seeing a creepy, red-eyed woman. He and Sandy ran through the forest when he tripped, Sandy continued running and Timothy was left behind, seething at his cousin. Back in the present, he finds his house, where he climbs in his window despite the burning light. He sneaks up on his cousin, who panics at seeing him alive. He notices a little shrine built for him and is touched. Oh, and he's a vampire. And Sandy gets bitten.

Conclusion: While the story is well-written and fun to read and the characters are colorful enough, vampires are way overused in these stories. While I'll admit that Q.L. Pearce and R.C. Welch do manage to put a creative twist on nearly every instance, their overuse in media has rendered them as uncreative and unoriginal as the titles of the books in this goddam series. Also, I find it hard to believe that it took Timothy so long to discover his vampire-ness, seeing as how he went out to the lake in Summer and wakes up in Winter, a fact he acknowledges briefly but soon dismisses with a "Well, I didn't get much sleep the previous night..." That is not to say I don't love a good vampire story; Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel are awesome shows, and the books in The Passage series are my favorite books of all time, but just stop relying on them so much. Well, at least it's damned entertaining and reasonably suspenseful, so all in all I'd say it's a pretty good story.

7. "Portrait of Evil"

"Andrea had always dreamed of having her own horse. Now her dream was almost coming true. She wasn't going to own a horse, but at least she was going to spend a whole summer at a ranch." Wow, that cliffhanger is all kinds of disappointing.

Well, you know the premise. It's her aunt and uncle's ranch, by the way. In the beginning, she is shown to her horse, Monterey, by a guy named Jesse, who tells her that it's not safe to go out at night. Her aunt tells her that there's a rumor about a ghost of a murderer named Don Hidalgo. There's been disappearances and stuff, too, so there are reasons. Also, for some reason, her aunt thought it would be cool to buy a painting of Don Hidalgo that used to be in his house. OK, cool, good to know our main character is in competent hands. 

Upon talking to Jesse about Don Hidalgo, Andrea learns that even though he died, there were strange disappearances throughout town until his mansion was burned down and his belongings sold. That is, until three months ago, when Andrea's aunt and uncle bought that painting. Pocketing this new development, Andrea decides to ride her horse. That is, until a black stallion tries to run her off a cliff. The same black stallion... from the painting! Now that the case has been closed, Andrea tells her uncle about the painting soon before he falls in a well. Andrea then confronts the painting and tells it that she'll find a way to stop it. Oh no, what a nasty predicament, how will she ever succeed against an evil painting- just to clarify, this text is very sarcastic. Very sarcastic, this text. I mean, it's not like paintings are flammable.

Of course, Andrea combs through books about Don Hidalgo "for the next few hours" before she has this plan. Then she joins forces with Jesse to fight the now out-of-the painting Don Hidalgo. She burns the painting, and the story ends with the implication that a new one has been created. Wow, I guess I wasn't aware there's a global shortage of fire.

Conclusion: Not really digging the evil painting thing. So... not a good story.

8. "All the Time in the World"

This story is so ridiculous and stupid it doesn't really deserve a synopsis. The characters do and say stupid things like "'It won't hurt us. It's a plant-eater.' 'Does it know that?'" It's about two kids who travel through time using their creepy neighbor's time machine. They're back in whatever era has those big prehistoric mammals and it's a miracle they survive to make it back to the present seeing as how once they return they are immediately killed by sabertooth tigers whose growl they mistake for a makeshift alarm. 

Conclusion: I wish I could travel back in time to stop this story from being written.

9. "Household Help"

You know how every children's horror series has to have a "be careful what you wish for" book? Well, this is it. It's about a girl named Hannah who sucks at softball. She's complaining about how hard life is to her mother who has to take night classes at a community college. I actually like how Q.L. Pearce uses subtle context clues to illustrate how awful the protagonist is, I think that's cool. Her housekeeper, Claudine, having overheard Hannah's complaining, offers to help her with magic. After a magic ritual, Claudine gives her a root to wear around her neck that will make her be great at softball. The things you can do with magic. Anyway, it works, and she makes a home run that her skilled rival, Stephanie, attributes to luck.

Hannah, being one of the world's worst human beings, decides that that's not enough, and wants to be good at everything all the time. She then takes over Stephanie's job as pitcher and hits her in the arm with a baseball and taunts her until she cries. And then, and I am not making any of this up, she wants Claudine to "make her suffer," at which point Stephanie's mom has an accident. Please, please just kill her off, she's just a bad person with no redeemable qualities that makes the first-ever case for post-birth abortion. Luckily, Hannah gets tripped in class the next day and realizes that Stephanie has her root. She rushes home, where she learns that Claudine was let go and rehired by Stephanie's family.

Conclusion: This is the first book since I started this blog that actually made me shiver.

10. "The Snow Cave"

Belinda and her family are on a vacation in Unnamed Snowy Area, where she and her dog, Shiloh, are taking a walk. On the way, she strikes up a conversation with a couple of elderly residents, who randomly bring up suspicions of a snow monster. It's actually pretty sudden, this is almost their exact conversation:

Are you the girl in the Roger's cabin?

Yeah, it's really great there.

Yeah, but you know what's not great? The Yeti. Scary.

Which, of course, it's not, hence the reason I don't see the appeal for a horror story about one. The old men claim that it lives in underground caves and comes out when it snows hard. So here is what I know is going to happen based on that info:

1. It's going to snow really hard.

2. Belinda is going to get trapped in the underground caves.

3. Belinda will find the yeti and be chased

4. Belinda will escape the caves.

5. Belinda will hear footsteps or a growl or something from outside the cabin.

Here's what actually happens:

1. It snows harder than it has in 30 years. Wow, double-check that one.

2. Belinda falls into and gets lost in the underground caves. Check.

3. Belinda runs into Yeti and runs through the maze of tunnels. Check.

4. Belinda's family saves her and the dog scares away the Yeti. Check.

5. The Yeti glares at the cabin through the forest. Dammit, Q.L Pearce, why'd you have to defy expectations?

Conclusion: Kind of boring, Characters are pretty 2-D, so I didn't like it.

11. "The Fabulous Flyers"

Have you ever seen a less straight story title? OK, final story, I'm so excited to have a fun likable protagonist completely unlike Hannah!

"Some things– how you walked and talked, and what clothes you wore– were really important. Those were the things that made you cool and popular. And being popular was more important to Kevin than anything."

Goddammit.

Kevin really wants a pair of Fabulous Flyers, the coolest new shoes, but his family isn't very wealthy, so he is refused. After stomping his foot like a little kid, he asks why his sister got a new doll, to which his mother responds that it was for his sister's birthday. I bring this up because he leaves the room and breaks the doll's head off in anger. Please, just die. There are quite a few reasons I don't like these kinds of protagonists- they're too mean and tool-like to root for, but they're not awful enough to follow out of hatred or disgust. They're just kind of annoying.

At school, Kevin is told that he could work for Old Man McKenna, a creepy old rumored sorcerer, to earn his shoes. Kevin heeds his friend's advice and is told immediately upon reaching the door to rake the leaves. He does, and the old man leads him to a strange antique room to pay him. While he's gone, Kevin steals 100 dollars from Old Man McKenna, gets his pay, and leaves to buy some Fabulous Flyers with the new moolah. At school the next day, Kevin is immediately asked to play basketball by the most popular kid in school because of his Fabulous Flyers. My god, Q.L. Pearce is as bad with his representation of middle school behavior as M.D. Spenser was. Kevin soon learns that the cash-eesh wasn't worth stealing, as all those dolares will soon be his undoing. 

On his way home from school, Kevin's feet magically walk themselves to the old man's house, where he has little shadow-beasts ready to eat him. But Kevin rips the shoes off and runs back home, where he falls asleep (once again, how do they do it?). When he wakes up, his shoes... are on!

Conclusion: It was OK.

Overall Conclusion: This is not a great book. I think it's probably the worst so far (in this series).

Hearts in Atlantis

Isn't it crazy that I'm actually reviewing a book for people my age? I've reviewed so many children's horror books I don't even know how to present this anymore... I guess I'll start by saying that this one will be more serious than the others because I have some serious complaints- I didn't love this novel.

Actually, to be more accurate, it's a series of four loosely connected short stories. The first one is awesome, it's about a kid named Bobby Garfield as he goes through the wonders of childhood in the 60's, which honestly sounds like a really horrible time period. Bobby gets to know and bond with his elderly neighbor, Ted Brautigan, who has a dark, mystical secret (I suggest you read the Dark Tower series, because I'm pretty sure there's a tie-in. I've never read it myself, I just read about the tie-in online). With the help of his friends and despite his mean, cheapskate mother, Bobby must discover the truth about his dead father and paint a vivid picture of the 60's and the Vietnam War and all that.

Here's the thing: that first story is great. It's gripping, it's fun, I really enjoyed it- until the end. Now I'll try not to spoil anything, but Stephen King ends this story on such a drawn-out and sad note that it almost taints the story. Actually, it kinda does. I really cared for these characters, so it was disappointing to feel like Stephen King just kind of gave up on them and sped to the next segment. A full-length novel about just that would have been perfect, but on to the next story.

This one is really loosely connected- it's first person now, so the whole perspective is changed, and it's about a college student who gets addicted to a card game called Hearts. But it's OK, he dates one of Bobby's friends, so it's totally connected to the story. This whole segment seems like it's to express some kind of deep message but it really just makes me sad. This kid and his friends– whom I have a harder time really loving like the characters from the first story– just sort of break down and give in to this addiction and I don't care much about most of them. But the message and the climax is beautiful and thought provoking, I was really excited to further look into that and learn more about the meaning behind it–

"Meaning? Oh, no, Jonathan, we're done with this story."
"Wait, no, Stephen, you can't, it just got really good–"
"Actually, I can. I'm pretty bored with this guy. I think I've accurately depicted a decade, so my work here is done."
And he does do a very good job depicting a decade, an era even. Low men, exchanging information, escaping a sinking continent, atonement, identity crisis, and an inability to move on are tough themes that King handles very well, but that's nearly all he does. I can get a sense for the setting, I can almost see the sixties even though I didn't exist then, but the plot...  it takes such ridiculous leaps from one interesting story to another story, and then leaves as soon as that one becomes really gripping.
"So at least tell me that we'll be revisiting Bobby's story."
"We could do that or, remember that bully that went after Bobby?"
"Oh God, no, please–"

The third story is about Bill Shearman, a bully that went after Bobby and his friend Carol. It's pretty much a day in his very odd life as he tries to redeem himself for what he did to Carol. The fourth story is about Bobby's other best friend, who can't seem to mentally leave Vietnam and constantly sees an old woman whom his friend shot in cold blood. And then there's a nice little part at the end to try to tie things together.

Here's my biggest complaint: all the many problems that these characters have to face feel like they're just for the purpose of depicting how the Vietnam War affected life in the 60's-90's, except for one exception: the conflict between Bobby and his mother, that's a rich, interesting conflict that does nothing but engage the reader. I don't think Stephen King really loves these characters, and by the end of the book I don't think the reader does either. I liked the characters in the beginning, but after the first story ends I just kind of stopped caring about them because they're not real, they're just dolls that the author dips in paint and beautifully decorates a canvas with. And by the end, at the pretty predictable touching reunion, it didn't mean anything to me, Stephen King might as well have left it out.

Sorry, I just wanted to get this out there. I've been wanting to organize my thoughts about this book for a while.

Insight into Complex Mind of Characters:
"'What's up?'
'Nothing.' That was what he said. Everything. That was what he felt.'"















Beautiful Imagery:
"Nate hung photos of his dog and his girl... She was Cindy. The dog was Rinty.  Both the girl and the dog were sporting identical grins. It was fucking surreal."

Hip References:
There are so many, so many 60's and 70's and 80's references it would blow your mind. I can't, I'm sorry.

 Number of Times the Word "Jeepers" Is Used sincerely:
1

Number of Times the Word "Jeepers" Should Have Been Used at All:
<1.

Conclusion: Maybe I was a little too hard on this book; it's not a bad book, it's just unremarkable. King did a really good job with a lot of scenes, and did an amazing job depicting the Vietnam War era, but the characters and much of the plot were just devices for that exact purpose and I've come to expect more from Stephen King. So... not my favorite of his books.

More Scary Stories for Sleep-Overs

1. "Swimming Lessons"
This might be one of the weirdest opening paragraphs I've ever read. It's something about "loathsome water demons" that killed people because they envied their ability to "walk in the sunshine." It's pretty strange, actually, if you can't really tell by reading my description. Anyway, Heather is on a beach vacation with her family. She hates swimming, so maybe a beach vacation wasn't the best idea. She should go on a ski vacation. Or a desert vacation.

She's especially scared of this water because she just heard a scary story about evil water monsters. Unfortunately, her older brother and sister, Andy and Amanda, are really outgoing and love to swim. After talking about how cool and outgoing her siblings are, Heather bumps into Mr. Patterson, the owner of the beach-houses, who tells her to stay away from the island. Because she's a character in this genre, she does it anyway. Despite her poor swimming ability and fear of the water. Sure.

When Heather and her siblings get close to the island, they see creepy pale people with glowing green eyes and long hair. They all get dragged under, but Heather manages to escape in ways beyond the writer's comprehension, since the whole scene goes by in a "somehow Heather broke free." Mr. Patterson saves her, and she goes back to his house. There, Mr. Patterson calls the sheriff, who starts driving Heather toward the lake and then the sheriff's hair grows long and her eyes start glowing and Heather runs, only to be lured in to the lake by the fishman version of her siblings.

Conclusion: Spooky. Scary. Slimy. This book has it all. But on a serious note, I loved Mr. Patterson, while every other character seemed two-dimensional. Still, one good character in a story is good enough for me. That being said, the protagonist and her family kind of suck. But whatever, good story.

2. "Wish Fulfillment"
This one's funny, it's like some kind of cautionary tale.
Greg was a very pessimistic boy. He was so pessimistic that nobody wanted to hang out with him and he had no friends. The end.
So one day, Greg went on a field-trip to the local history museum to see King Tut. But because Greg was so pessimistic and whiny, he didn't really give a shit. All his acquaintances were excited to see one of the richest, most famous people on earth, but not Greg. Because he's a pessimist. He soon gets lost from his group and stumbles into a section of magical tools. When little Greg touches a rock, a genie suddenly appears, offering to grant the boy three wishes. The thing that Greg wants most of all is to be a lot of fun at parties, so he wishes he was the most famous and rich boy in the world.

Oh, but take heed, children, take heed, for one must be careful what you wish for from a genie;
they give you exactly what you deserve to receive, and you never make such strong wishes if, like Greg, you're a weenie. Or else you'll become King Tut for the rest of your life.

Conclusion: Subpar. Needs more scenes of middle schoolers building robots.

3. "The Box"
Well, it looks like Q.L. Pierce, despite having the First Initial.Middle Initial. Last Name name structure required for children's horror writers, actually enjoys writing science fiction. It starts as our protagonist by the unfortunate name of "Tad," which I assume stands for Theodore or Tadpole or something, is playing some kind of hide-and-seek-tag spinoff in a swamp. He tags his two younger sisters first, declaring them "slaves." They stay behind while he goes to search for his friends. At this point, Tad sees a flash of red and decides to tread carefully, because "his dad had told him that's how Indians moved." Great, I can already tell this will be a good, politically correct story.

So Tad runs into his friends, Dave and- hold on, this might require some effort- Scootch. This boy is named Scootch as if that's a name human beings have. They tell him they found a secret passage, so they go investigate. Scootch decides to stay outside, but Tad and Dave find a giant stone rectangle, some intricate symbols, and a metal box. They pull the box out despite dozens of ghostly hands trying to stop them. Reptilian aliens come out of the large stone rectangle, and the three buddies run away. Dave and Scootch are evaporated by laser guns- by the way, everything I've been saying happens, I'm not making any of this up. In case you don't believe me, here's a picture from the book.

Like Picasso

Tad collapses as tons of aliens whose faces actually dwarf their bodies come to invade Earth.

Conclusion: Ummm... I didn't like this one all that much. It's not even that good for its genre, and I don't really understand anything. At least the art is good.

4. "Green Thumb"
For the first four pages, this story is exactly as it sounds: a story about gardening. Leah is a great gardener, and she's won the tomato-growing competition three years in a row. This year is no exception due to her self-made special soil mixture. I assume she's older than the average protagonist, else she would have won the tomato-growing competition every year since she was nine. Either that, or the tomato-growing competition gets as much attention as it deserves. She sees an ad for the world's most unusual vine and decides to buy it. It grows really fast and this story basically turns into Little Shop of Horrors as it starts grabbing bugs and dragging them into its soil. Then it moves on to rodents and pets so eventually Leah figures it out and has her dad burn the plant. When she wakes up that night, she goes outside to see if her obviously dead cat has returned because despite being a master gardener, she's stupid. A huge vine starts choking her to death and the seed pod bursts open, sending seeds across the land.

Conclusion: Actually not bad. It's creepy and does a good job of telling the story, switching focus between characters and all that. Especially effective for those with an inane fear of plants.

5. "Nightmare"
Oh, it's this story. Children's horror series often have a book/story about this. I know Goosebumps did, at least. It seems clever, until you realize there's no point. It's like a sudden realization that your whole life is just a dream that your childhood dog is having, leaving you nothing to say except "Oh... that's cool, I guess." Observe: Todd is on his way to the grocery store to buy the latest copy of Monster Madness, a scary monster magazine. He buys one with his friends and proceeds to tell them about an idea he has for a monster, based off of recent dreams: a small, strong, hairy beast with sharp claws and fangs. When it comes time for bed, Todd dreams he's hitting a home run (I kid you not) until he wakes up because of some monster licking his leg.

Apparently, Todd's some kind of ninja, because he does crazy super speed tricks to kick back the monster and run to his parents' room, where they're dead. Wow. It's dark, I'll give it that. So Todd grabs a knife, stabbing the monster in the hand when-

Oh, it's all a dream. That the monster is having. His parents come in to comfort him and tell him not to read any more books like "Todd the Terror." His room is covered with pictures of creepy, snarling humans, by the way. His parents exit, reminding him that humans aren't real. Sure.

Conclusion: It's actually pretty dumb. And unnecessary. But I don't know, maybe I'm being too hard on it. Maybe it appeals to some people. Very few, I'm sure, but probably some people.

6. "What's the Matter with Marvin?"
I'm still baffled that a story with that title could be so good. It's not exactly horror, but more suspense/thriller, but for its genre, it is awesome. It's just- you know what, just read, you'll see. The story starts as Robbie is having a dream in which he's lying in bed while his house burns down. In actuality, his house burned down when he was six, killing both his parents. Wow, I... I mean, that's awful, I hope nothing bad happens to this protagonist, I'd say he's been through enough. Maybe he should become Batman. Anyway, when six-year-old Robbie was escaping the burning house, he broke a window, which was probably what gave him his short, deep scar on his chest.

Marvin then lived with his grandparents for four years, and he had just moved in with his uncle Lester and cousin Marvin (spoiler alert: there's something the matter with him). Cool, Q.L. Pearce, thanks for making me write in past tense for, like half a paragraph, that's great. Seeing as how I like the story even despite that, you know it has to be pretty damn good. So the next morning, Robbie goes down to breakfast, where Uncle Lester has pulled out all the stops. He offers Robbie strawberry jam, which Robbie refuses because, for some strange reason, he doesn't like strawberry jam. Uncle Lester seems just as surprised as I am, muttering something totally inconspicuous, "I thought for sure that I–– well, never mind." I'm sure this strange display of shock at a dislike of strawberry jam won't be relevant later, let's just forget about it.

Robbie goes to school with a reluctant and antisocial Marvin, who won't talk to Robbie with anything other that curt, monosyllabic statements. But then Robbie finds a new friend named Bill and all of a sudden Marvin's old news. Back at home, Uncle Lester has Robbie do a jigsaw puzzle, which he had been timing. When he declares that it was the best time yet, Marvin comes in and swats the puzzle onto the floor. I think I know what's the matter with Marvin: he's a sore loser. Then he starts yelling about how there's something wrong with their family that Robbie should know about, but that Marvin can't talk about it under the danger of being "shut down," and Uncle Lester brings him up to his room. I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here: the jigsaw puzzle is having a nightmare about humans. Very clever, Q.L. Pearce, I never saw that one coming.

That night, Robbie goes to bed and gets woken up from his fire dream by the sound of metal scraping on metal. Either I'm back in Silent Hill 2 or something fishy is going on here. The next day, Robbie is told that Marvin went to a friend's house for the weekend. Robbie feigns sickness and sneaks into Marvin's room in the dead of night to find his head on the table. His body is hanging on a rack- he's a robot, that's the twist, Marvin's a robot, that's what's the matter with him. Now it could just end there, but then Uncle Lester busts in and reveals that Robbie too is a robot, and that his memories are all false. Then he sticks a flathead screwdriver into the scar in Robbie's chest, popping it open.

Conclusion: Damn good, seriously, not only did I not really see the whole Robbie's-a-robot thing coming, but it was set up so perfectly that everything that happened before that makes perfect sense, it's genius, it's thrilling, it's well-written, it's just gnarly.

7. "Crying Wolf"
This is a statement made after reading only the first page: is there any doubt about what will happen in this story? Within the first five sentences, Anne, the main character, claims that all the staff at the zoo are animals in disguise trying to lure people in and eat them. This is what will happen: Nobody will believe Anne because she's told way too many crazy stories in the past. After failing to convince everybody, she will be lured into the zoo in a quest for evidence and be eaten. I will return when I have finished the rest of the story.

Ok, I'm back. Turns out I totally jumped the gun. Turns out that that zoo scene was just for character development and has no later relevance... I probably should have realized that when Anne's main argument was, verbatim, "what makes you so sure they aren't?" To be fair, I just drank a full can of a previously unknown energy drink called UPTime pretty fast, so I'm kind of skittery right now. Turns out Anne makes up stories all the time, which is why when she tells her friend Byron (?) about the little flashes of motion out of the corner of her eye which she suspects is gremlins, he's a little skeptical. The story follows Byron as Anne gets attacked in increasingly less ridiculous ways, starting from bites on her sandwiches and leading to cuts and bruises. When Byron claims to believe her, he sees movement nearby. Whoops.

That night, Byron sneaks to Anne's window in time to see a bunch of gremlins swarm her and knock down her lamp. When her parents turn the lights on, she's nowhere to be found. And when Byron gets back into his bed, he sees movement out of the corner of his eye...

Conclusion: Maybe it's my deep-seated fear of gremlins, but this story was pretty scary. Pretty good, actually, and it handled the theme well.

8. "No Laughing Matter"
This is great, listen: Gordy Davis is a really mean, big kid, who always wins in fights. He and his three best friends love to play mean practical jokes, and they call themselves "The Jokers," and wear hats with their club name. Sometimes, I think these authors have never been to school. Kids these days might call something like that "uncool" or "a meme," but back in the 1990's- hell, probably even the 1890's- that was still not something that anyone self aware would do. I'm sorry, but this is so interesting to me, I just never knew anyone who actually did that, it would have been so fun. If only I had a time machine, that would be the first thing I would do.

The Jokers have to prank a boy named Rich because he helped a prank victim whose bike they hid in a tree. Wow, if that's their idea of a good prank, they're not worthy of the hats they wear. The next day, they decide to put mealworms in his lunchbox. Whatever. He freaks out, the whole school freaks out, and Rich confronts Gordy, claiming that he's not afraid of him or anything else. And then this book takes a turn for the stereotypical when Gordy challenges Rich to spend an hour in a haunted house. The Jokers had rigged it so Rich got scared and left, and when Gordy goes to get the supplies, the house is haunted (surprise!) and he gets eaten by a one armed, one eyed skeleton.

Conclusion: Not very good. The only redeeming feature was their hats.

9. "Family Ties"
The book opens as Jaime is sliding flyers into people's mailboxes asking for work. I can already tell this one will be sublime. Jaime immediately starts getting calls somehow, one of which is from a history teacher named Mr. Hubbard. He's really eccentric, because he acts like he was actually there hundreds of years ago. Actually, believe it or not, he didn't live that long, it was his many-greats-uncle named Baron Trouvese. Who's a vampire. And locked in the basement. Twist.

Conclusion: I guess it might be considered a little scary, but it's really not. It's just kind of a bad and uncreative story. Also, any character stupid enough to confront a possible vampire on her own is asking to be killed. Unless you're Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

10. "Nine Lives"
You know those online Creepypasta stories where the main character plays a computer game that, like, steals their soul or something? It's like that, but without the scariness. Jason is a computer game whiz, better than everybody he knows except for his friend Steve, who can hold his own. Well, at least this character's relatable. Anyway, his friend Steve has been in a slump, but eventually he goes to Jason's house and shares his burden: he started a computer game that gives him nine lives and keeps throwing challenges at him that happen in real life as well as the game and each time he loses a life, a person close to him dies. He's lost six lives so far. So Jason joins the game. He's not smart, so he tries a game and loses, so his iguana dies. That night he gets grabbed by a skeleton and pulled under the bed. Then his uncle dies. Jason and Steve go to the store at which the game was purchased, free themselves with the admin computer, and live happily ever after. Oh no, twist ending: their computers ask if they want to play again. Oh no, how will they ever solve this awful problem, what ever could they oh wait there's a "no" option.

11. "The Lesson"
It's Jessy's birthday, and she's thrilled that her mean brother would get her a present. But wait, it's actually a tube of fake snakes and graffiti that pop out. Her brother, Ted, thinks this is hilarious, rolling on the floor and calling her "stupid" and "gullible." Yeah, this guy thinks way too highly of himself. David Elliston from Ghost Writer I mean Ted had taunted and tricked Jessy all her life, and she's sick of it. Yeah, I'm bringing back that running gag. You thought it was dead, but it's not. Deal with it.

That night, Jessy gets called to her window by a large, ugly monster. He claims that he wants to help her get revenge on her brother in return for her opening the window, so she calls her brother, who doesn't see anything and then makes fun of her. So she asks for a trial. The next day, Ted's gang mocks her about the monster thing. Also they're all getting matching hats with the name of their posse. On his way home from school, he is tripped by a demonic hand and flies off his bike. Wow, that's some maniacal revenge. Maybe next, he'll have him stub his toe. So Jessy opens the window, where the monster tells her he will kill her family and then devours her.

Conclusion: This story is actually pretty good. I thought it would be just an average "be careful what you wish for" deal, but it turned out to be more than eats the eye. Ha.

Insight into the Complex Minds of Characters:
"'I wish you would stop being so mean and just give me an answer!'
... 'Yes,' the genie said smugly, 'I must grant you three wishes. One down and two to go.'"

 Beautiful Imagery:
"One sign identified a large, carved bone as an object for casting out evil spirits that cause mental illness." That's horrible.

Hip References:
(About Anne from "Crying Wolf") "Right. She's a regular Edgar Anne Poe!" Ha.

Some Numbers for You:
Pages of middle schoolers building robots: 0
Number of running jokes revived: 1
Number of relatable characters: 2
Number of "Ha"s: 3
Number of amazing hats and ridiculous names: 4
Percentage that should have been spent on gardening: 105%

Book Conclusion:
This one was OK. The ratio of good to bad stories is nothing remarkable, but how much it reminded me of a certain other children's horror series gave me Shivers. Ha.